Journey to the unknown

I read a quote the other day about pregnancy and becoming a mother.  It compared it to being like getting on a boat going to a foreign land where you don't know the language, the customs or really anything at all about what life will be like.  It is so true, it has really stuck with me since reading it.
Pregnancy and this slow evolution towards motherhood is really a great journey into the unknown and its a journey I've really embraced and loved so far.
I think you can look upon it with fear and anxiety- suddenly there is so much that is out of your control.  How you look, how you feel, what clothes you can fit into, whether your body will be up to a gentle workout or request a few more hours on the couch.... My appetite has changed dramatically and I still universally dislike almost every food despite the fact that the nausea subsided long ago.
But housing this little tenant has become a really beautiful part of life. We have a schedule together and he or she tends to be really active at the same times of the day. I can feel the baby startle if my alarm goes off earlier than normal and if my appetite takes a turn for the adventurous, the baby will react to the new tastes in my tummy.  Its hard not to smile and take notice when the baby is kicking up a storm and laying on the couch and watching the kicks and punches is a surreal joy.
I get asked really frequently if I miss training and triathlon and the answer isn't easy.  In a lot of ways I do. I miss the endorphin rush and the high of a great work out. I miss the way my body feels when I fly on a run and I definitely miss the feeling when my body is in synch and firing on all cylinders when racing.  Those feelings of accomplishment, connectedness with other athletes and the joy of surpassing goals you once thought impossible are unforgettable moments in life.  But at the same time, I can't imagine my life any other way right now.  If I would have raced this season, I don't feel like it would be the same.  I've been there done that and thoroughly enjoyed it.  Triathlon was a major lens for self growth during the past 5 or so years but that lens was intensely focused only on myself.  I've always felt to progress in life emotionally, spiritually and physically, you have to force yourself to the next step, the new challenge... even if it means walking away from or putting on hold something you love.  To continue to live life as I have the past few years, I would stagnate spiritually and emotionally.  Its time for this next step to become a mom and for us to learn to be a family.  I so cannot wait for the day I get to look into my baby's eyes for the first time and see Neil and I and our love in one little being.

The Kiwi

I have a really good reason for not blogging.  I'm not fake and I can't be dishonest; therefore, I could not write about anything but the truth of my life as it is right now.  The truth is my life has been taken over by really big life-changing events that I haven't been ready to blog about.
I've written this blog so many times in my head over the years and now here I am and it is real.  I'm very thrilled to announce that I am pregnant!

But now I'm torn with the question of what to do with this blog. I love it, its my outlet and I love to write honestly and openly about life.  But, when it comes to starting a family, its a whole new level of personal and I've struggled with how much to share. I suppose if I keep it within the framework of triathlon, it may hold interest still to some but obviously triathlon is going to be rather de-emphasized in my life in the coming months.
For many years I always wondered how triathlon mommies do it.  How did they know when they were ready? What was it like giving up racing or do they still continue to race? How does it feel to work out when you're pregnant? And many other rather trivial questions troubled me and lead me to realize that my preoccupations with the superficialities of pregnancy most likely meant that I was not ready to have a child.
And maybe this is where I can start and share my own experience (which is bound to be entirely different than anyone elses' because this is truly one of the most personal journeys one walks in life).
For me, it started as a whisper.  Early in my 20's I questioned my ability to be a mother.  Never really having had one myself, I felt that I lacked the innate selflessness and connectedness with children that I saw others had. As with anything in life, I avoid absolutes.  Life changes, you change and if you leave yourself closed to experiences by udderly denying or steadfastly holding to the idea of them, you miss out on some of life's greatest challenges and experiences.  So I remained open to what life had in store.
Becoming part of Neil's family really started to open my mind to having a family as I got to know them more and more.  There was a richness in life that his family has in being so close and my idea of the meaning of adult life slowly transformed to include having a family.  It started as a far away whisper which could not compete with the triathlon life I was absorbed in. It was a distant idea, a "someday" abstraction.  But I knew it wasn't yet time.
As I met and exceeded all that I had dreamed of in triathlon, I began to reassess my goals and direction in life.  Sure, I still have triathlon goals- lots of them in fact. The funny thing is I'm no longer afraid to share them aloud.  For many years when Kona was the goal, I never said it aloud or admitted it to anyone but Neil. I believed in myself and I never wanted to hear the doubt of others or to have people impose their doubts upon me.  I didn't want people to think I was arrogant or conceited to believe I could achieve such a difficult goal. Truth be told, I cared way too much about what other people thought, but that's besides the point.  Some part of me also harbored a curiosity about going pro. I think we all do when we realize we have potential in this sport.  How can you not wonder if you worked really really hard and dreamed really really big if you too could make it to the top of the sport?  Although that was never the primary goal, I did want to know if it was possible and if I had that potential.
I think I answered that question for myself in earnest in my racing the past few years. I know my strengths and my weaknesses, I've seen others close to me make that huge leap and the sacrifices that it took.  For me, I believe that if I worked incredibly hard at it for at least 3-5 more years and had a work situation that allowed for better recovery, I could hack it as a bottom tier pro. But I've seen enough of myself to know that I do not have what it takes to be a top pro- I just wasn't given the gifts that the most elite in our sport have.  I also learned that mentally, I'm not strong enough to enjoy the leap from elite amateur to last ranking pro.  To some extent, it was a relief when I realized this in the past year or two. I felt like I could confidently cross that off my list without an ounce of regret and that I could be entirely satisfied with what I have achieved.
What I still want to do in the sport is be on the podium in my age group in Vegas and Kona and I know that will be a huge undertaking.  I want to get my 70.3 run time down under 1:30 and I know that I can be a low 10:xx ironman athlete.  I know I can run sub 3:30 off the bike given the opportunity for my legs and my digestive system to continue to mature in the sport.
The problem was that none of these remaining goals held any meaning to me when compared to starting a family. And that's how I knew, for me, in this one shallow aspect of my life, that I was ready to have a family. Obviously there are many more aspects to our decision than its effects on my triathlon career but for the purpose of this blog, this is the only piece I will write about.
What started as a whisper slowly became more of an urgent and persistent roar and I felt compelled to begin to push life in the direction of having a family.  It was truly the most important journey in life that I had not yet begun.
I went into the race in New Zealand knowing it would be my last which lead to a whole host of different emotions. I know I will race again, but I know things will never be the same as they once were once we embarked upon this journey.  Neil wanted to be sure I had no regrets this last race and we talked a lot about me racing my heart out and making it hurt so that I could look back and be pleased with the completion of this part of my life.  I remember taking a long hot shower after the race in Auckland and knowing that washing that race off me was the start of something new. I stepped out of the shower with the strange perception that I was stepping into a new phase of life and I had this moment of prophetic pause that I was standing at the precipice of my old life and the new adventure to come.
Sure enough, just as I had expected it was meant to be, our little kiwi was conceived in New Zealand.  Somehow Neil and I never had a doubt that it was meant to be this way even though I felt very naive to assume we would conceive our first time trying. I knew the odds were against us but deep down, we both new I left New Zealand pregnant even though it was too early to be totally sure.
We are thrilled, scared, anxious, nervous and even at times totally in disbelief that this little miracle is occurring as we continue on with our daily business but we are beyond blessed and thankful.  We are so ready to walk this journey hand in hand and we are accepting of the changes and challenges that we will face as parents.   Will I be a triathlete again? I think so.  But it just won't ever be as important and life absorbing as it once was.

Life is amazing. Go out and live it every day.

ITU Worlds Auckland. Yes Bill, I finally wrote a blog!

I've been waiting to blog about new zealand because the words just haven't seem to come to me just yet.  It was just such an incredible experience and such a beautiful place, I haven't yet been able to find the right words to do this trip justice.
So I guess I will start at the beginning!

Traveling across the world requires a long travel journey and I was super excited when I realized that we had a 12 hour layover in San Fran.  I quickly emailed my blogging soulmate I had never met and he was able to take the day off and show Neil and I around the city.  I could have ended the trip right there and been elated. It was so awesome to finally get to meet Kiet --the San Fran tour was just an added bonus.  There's such a power in feeling that you are catching up with the oldest of friends when its really the first time you've met.

Golden Gate in the fog

We brought some Florida sunshine with us and wiped all that fog away!

I would totally be a sucker for bi-lo if I lived in San Francisco

We got to go to the paleo tea service place! LOVE! I'm moving in.

The flight over that night was actually pretty easy. Watched a movie had a few glasses of wine with airplane dinner (gotta love all the free drinks on international flights) and cuddled up and tried to sleep.  The next thing you know they were serving breakfast and we landed in rainy dark Auckland (foreshadowing....)

Big Plane!

The funny thing about Auckland--- The wind howls big time and it rains every few hours.  It isn't the city of sails and the home of sailing for nothing- Auckland puts Florida's winds to shame.  The weather changes constantly and when asking other New Zealander's if this weather pattern was normal they all had the same humble reply "yup- Auckland's best kept secret!"
No big deal, I was in New Zealand! Who the hell cares if its raining?! Well, being wet and cold did get a tiny bit old after awhile. Luckily the south island treated us to incredible spring weather.  We eagerly put the bike together so I could head out for my first ride and riding on the left with crazy winds off the water while jetlagged in Auckland traffic made for a hair raising ride- oh and don't forget the occasional rain squall!
We got to watch all the pro races on Saturday and Sunday and it was surreal getting to watch all the pros right in front of us.  Javi Gomez's brave win and Gwen Jorgensen running down the women's pack to second place from 1:09 down off the bike was absolutely inspiring and incredible to see in person. I totally gained a new affection for ITU.

Pro Women start

Pro women swim close up

Pro women swim

Gwen (from Milwaukee!) running them down at the finish. No pics of the pro men, it poured rain all during their race!

This is the coldest pool ever. Went over for a warm up and its a salt water bath meaning its only slightly warmer than Auckland's harbor.  Yes. Wetsuits most definitely required. The hot tub--- fantastic. 

Parnell baths again but you can see the salt water getting pulled in from the neighboring sea and downtown Auckland in the background.

Check in for our race was not ideal- it was an absolute drenching down pour and big lines to stand in as 3,000 athletes put their bike on the wharf in a close time interval.  Being cold, wet and achy wasn't such a great thing the night before a race but we were all in the same boat.

Race morning we were treated to NO RAIN!! Thank God as some of the descents and turns on the bike course would have been a bit scary with wet roads

One nice thing about ITU racing is the late start! No wake up call until 6 am and I didn't race until 9:00. Everything was super organized and easy and I couldn't help but dig the little luxuries that this shorter race entailed.

Our wave sitting on the pontoon getting ready to rumble

Sitting on the bulkhead looking out over the emerald green waters of Queens Harbor I was struck with this surreal cessation of time as if I could sense that this was some pivotal moment in my life. I was totally stuck in that moment and not because I was nervous. I was eerily calm.  I just soaked in all the events in life that brought me to this place- here to this bulkhead in New Zealand with an incredible group of 30-34 women from around the world....  All the hard work, circumstances and luck in life that fell into place to bring me to competing internationally....  All the people who believed in me and helped me along the way.... and just how crazy fortunate I was to get to experience this place and this moment.  Part of it felt foolish; a guilt I couldn't shed for the financial grandiosity of the whole affair that we really could not afford.  Yet a pride in myself too for saying fuck it and grabbing life by the balls and taking risks to have a once in a lifetime experience.  The mix of powerful emotions was absolutely numbing- as was the water we were about to jump in.  It was my only PR of the day. Coldest. Swim. Ever.  58 big degrees.  No one else was distressed about it, I was one of few wearing a wetsuit cap and some even had sleeveless suits. I thought for sure that decision had to be a death wish. I was relieved to find out no one succumbed to hospitalization in the waves before me and I slowly accepted that I am a total spoiled florida wuss and that I was the only one bothered by the chilly water.
We hopped in and weren't allowed to warm up at all.  30 seconds later the gun went off.
I was off to a good start but I didn't push the swim.  I did figure out why I had problems breathing in vegas and I will get into it more in another blog, but I was so fearful of that breathlessness returning that I was content for a cruise.  There were some swells on the outside of the wharf and around one buoy we were even getting sucked back a bit. Eventually I lost everyone and was flying solo (as always). The swells were so big I couldn't see the buoys and I had to stop frequently to even see that I was on course. I still really enjoyed the swim however. The water was cool and calming and beautiful and I could breathe which was a huge relief due to the issues I have been having lately.  Apparently I enjoyed the water too much and swam a 27 something. Is that even possible in an oly?! I swear I swam growing up. How embarrassing! BUT as the day went on swims got slower and slower with the current and chop but still, wow. That's my 70.3 goal! Yikes! Luckily I've smarted up and stopped wearing a watch so I was blissfully ignorant of my slow swim transgression.

The flat and windy part of the course

At the turn around after sighting Neil and my Dad

Ride left pass right. Ride left pass right. Ride left pass right.  That's all I kept saying to myself.

The bike was FUN! It was a tough course which is exactly what I love. Two loops half of which were hilly, half of which were strong cross/headwinds along the water. I ended up riding (legally) with two girls- one from the cook islands and the other from australia.  It was so fun seeing different countries kits during the race and all the national pride of the spectators waving their countries flags.  On the hills and the sweeping descents (with a few sketch turns- thank God for dry roads on race day!) the two girls would fly past me and on the flats with heavy cross/head winds I would hammer past them. So funny and easy to tell what conditions each of us trained in! I met both girls post race and we all had a good laugh at how obvious our strengths and weaknesses were.
I felt great, my power stayed good and I generally enjoyed the hell out of the bike! No heart rate monitor because my breathing issues but it didn't bother me at all to not have that.
I took off on the run knowing my goal was to make it hurt and enjoy the pain.  The first loop was solid and the second got more painful but I still managed to descend almost every mile split.  It was so fun to be cheered on by the New Zealanders yelling "go kiwi, go aussie" and to me "go yankee." New Zealanders have an intrinsic love of all things sport and will just as enthusiastically cheer for their nemesis the aussies (unless rugby's the game then all bets are off) as they will their own countrymen.  I was so inspired by their attitude towards sport.  When you read tri magazines over there you will read just as much about the kiwi who got 47th in an international race as the one who won it. And there is this great acceptance and love for even the shit days where nothing goes right. But there are no excuses, only great analysis and honest self reflection about race results. In New Zealand a shit day in sport is respected just as much if not more than a successful or winning day.
Around mile 4 I saw Jess who I kinda knew of from my friend Owen here in Jax. She was an age group ahead of me and started 5 minutes in front but had dropped her chain on the bike.  When I caught her she was a godsend. She wouldn't let me go and she pulled me along the rest of the way home. She would gap me and get a good lead on me but yell at me to keep coming.  She was committed for us to finish this thing together.  I am so grateful for her making those last two miles fun.  Funny thing about oly's at this level, you pass people in your group right up to the very end- every second counts. We hit the mat and she slowed up for me and we finished waving our flags that the team USA coaches had handed off to us and it was such a great moment.  Jess' selflessness in helping me get home was so amazing, and finishing hand in hand in USA kits with American flags was the total icing on the cake. This is what its all about. Teamwork, believing in each other and helping one another.  I wish I would have understood this earlier in my life.  This is what I have been missing in sport.
I finished maxed out with Jess and had a good puke at the end which I knew would make Neil proud :)  Mission accomplished: hurt locker found.  I think I ran about a 40:30 which I was pretty stoked on, I would love to get under :40 in an oly run split.

After this whole experience, I'm totally digging the idea of focusing on oly's during certain points in life. They are so much fun without too much repercussion. You have the whole day in front of you and you aren't wasted for weeks.  Even if you get sick, its not like IV or hospital sick, in about 10 minutes you're all good.
Please, I'm begging you, go to USAT nationals and race for an ITU world's spot.  You absolutely will not regret the amazing experience and vibe of racing for the red white and blue. Its such an honor to be there and its an incredible experience to get to meet athletes from around the world and watch the pro's race.

After that....we traveled :) 

The requisite march of the bike box

more to come and lots more pics from new zealand! here's a few teasers....  Trust me, they don't even begin to touch the things we saw. Stay posted and thanks for reading and inspiring me!!!

Vive le Quebec Libre

While your twitter and facebook feeds are full of all sorts of Kona goodness, I need to take a momentary break of writing about life as a triathlete to write about how amazing my work conference was in Quebec last week. A short journey in pictures....

 Quebec is gorgeous as is the french that is spoken there.  Running through the hilly terrain on foggy fall mornings created a beautiful mystique about this place that I won't soon forget and group runs with international company made for great networking opportunities.

The downtown area "inside the wall" puts st. augustine's historic district to shame

And walks down the never ending cobblestone streets were even more brilliant under the guidance of the full moon

Most of the trip looked like this:

 huge conference rooms filled to the brim with passionate physical therapists and I got to learn from so many famous researchers, MD's and PT's from around the world. Its really surreal to get to know and admire someone's research so well and then hear them speak right in front of you (and get to meet them in person!).  I learned so much during this trip and came back inspired and reinvigorated in my passion for my profession.

We did get one afternoon off and we made the most of it, hiking to the top of a beautiful waterfall and enjoying every bit of the fall experience.  

 I forgot how beautiful a clear crisp fall day can be; the contrasts of the fall leaves to the blue sky, the smell of the fallen leaves and fresh air...

and the mild soaking of the waterfall when you're brave enough to get up close and experience its power

I knew that coffee was amazing, I knew it was better with friends and even better still in a breathtakingly beautiful setting.... but I also learned that add a little alcohol and well... that's about as good as it gets!

I already knew I worked with some amazing people and this trip I was also reminded that these people are also incredible friends. I'm a very lucky girl.

And as if all that wasn't blessing enough, I was invited to have dinner with some very prestigious company (3 of whom were the past presidents of the international federation of manual physical therapy and the other who is one of the worlds most famous TMJ experts; A Kiwi, a Canadian, a Norwegian and a Chilean):

And coming down off the high of last weeks pinnacle of manual therapy fellowship amazingness, I only have a handful more days to go until this:

 New Zealand awaits once I make it through midterm madness.  5 days to go.....