I read a quote the other day about pregnancy and becoming a mother. It compared it to being like getting on a boat going to a foreign land where you don't know the language, the customs or really anything at all about what life will be like. It is so true, it has really stuck with me since reading it.
Pregnancy and this slow evolution towards motherhood is really a great journey into the unknown and its a journey I've really embraced and loved so far.
I think you can look upon it with fear and anxiety- suddenly there is so much that is out of your control. How you look, how you feel, what clothes you can fit into, whether your body will be up to a gentle workout or request a few more hours on the couch.... My appetite has changed dramatically and I still universally dislike almost every food despite the fact that the nausea subsided long ago.
But housing this little tenant has become a really beautiful part of life. We have a schedule together and he or she tends to be really active at the same times of the day. I can feel the baby startle if my alarm goes off earlier than normal and if my appetite takes a turn for the adventurous, the baby will react to the new tastes in my tummy. Its hard not to smile and take notice when the baby is kicking up a storm and laying on the couch and watching the kicks and punches is a surreal joy.
I get asked really frequently if I miss training and triathlon and the answer isn't easy. In a lot of ways I do. I miss the endorphin rush and the high of a great work out. I miss the way my body feels when I fly on a run and I definitely miss the feeling when my body is in synch and firing on all cylinders when racing. Those feelings of accomplishment, connectedness with other athletes and the joy of surpassing goals you once thought impossible are unforgettable moments in life. But at the same time, I can't imagine my life any other way right now. If I would have raced this season, I don't feel like it would be the same. I've been there done that and thoroughly enjoyed it. Triathlon was a major lens for self growth during the past 5 or so years but that lens was intensely focused only on myself. I've always felt to progress in life emotionally, spiritually and physically, you have to force yourself to the next step, the new challenge... even if it means walking away from or putting on hold something you love. To continue to live life as I have the past few years, I would stagnate spiritually and emotionally. Its time for this next step to become a mom and for us to learn to be a family. I so cannot wait for the day I get to look into my baby's eyes for the first time and see Neil and I and our love in one little being.