Project Gratitude

8th grade camp minikanni (left) and end of our junior year (right)

One of the first ways I fully experienced God in my life (or at least, a true belief in A God) was after the passing of my good friend Courtney. We were only 17 when we lost her and in the immense grief that followed her death, I found comfort in moments or places where I could feel that she was still near and still affecting my life from some other place.

Court and her little brother

Courtney loved butterflies. She wore a butterfly necklace pretty much all the time and without a doubt, they held some meaning to her in her short life. I will never forget sitting on the stairs of her home with her youngest brother who was struggling with Courtney's death during one memorial service. Courtney's mom, another friend and I explained to Kyle how Courtney was just like a butterfly and she had metamorphosed to another place- one in which we could not physically be with her again but yet she would continue on with us deep within our inner being and in our hearts.

Since then butterflies always remind me of Courtney. In some strange transcendental way, they are her reincarnation to me and somehow they always appear and linger near by during special or trying moments in my life. I will never forget nervously standing at the entrance to the Cathedral on our wedding day as two monarchs circled over my dad and I, flitting and intertwining themselves in the sunlight just above our heads.

I've been battling some demons of negatively and fatigue as of late. Hidden among the twinges of minor burnout from being an overachiever in every aspect of my life was a huge sense of guilt. I've finally accomplished this dream and now, on the brink of leaving for Hawaii, I'm not thoroughly fulfilled and enjoying every second of it? We all know that its nearly impossible to stay positive and enjoy every step of an ironman build up. Its hard. That's why we do it- for the addiction of overcoming these moments of weakness and transcending our personal limitations. But in some ways, I didn't expect to struggle with those challenges as much as I have this summer.

Yesterday the words of my ironman mentor keep playing through my mind "the main thing is for Kona and the weeks leading up to it to be the way that you have always dreamed of..."

Last night as I was watching my dog run through a small field on our street, I caught sight of a butterfly not too far away. I must have stood there for 10 minutes watching it as it danced on the breeze and moved from flower to flower, closer and further away from me. And I asked Courtney over and over again to give me the strength to really enjoy these weeks. To have a good attitude and savor every one of these anxious moments leading up to the race.

I woke up this morning with an immense sense of gratitude and I haven't stopped thinking all day of how many amazing friends and family members I have in my life that have helped me reach this dream and who have cheered me along the way.

I decided this morning to officially start project gratitude. My goal is to thank every person in my life (in person, by letter and on my blog) for supporting me, believing in me, picking me up off the ground when I never thought it possible to get back up again.... I am an extremely fortunate woman. And I am so very thankful. Every bit of these last 16 days before we hop on the plane begins with pure gratitude.