A state of maybe

I am so glad Janet got this pic of Kevin and I post race so many emotions and so much pain going on here. I think this is my favorite post Ironman pic ever. I seem to already be forgetting what this felt like....

It took a little longer this time. I actually can honestly say that up until Thursday, I felt deeply satisfied with Saturday's accomplishment and I really felt ready to move on in life without an ironman on the horizon.

Maybe it started reading other people's blogs, maybe the perspective that passing time creates has gradually warped my mind, but the satisfaction I felt post race is slowly being replaced by the desire to do better. You know in math when you learn about infinity and limits? I always remembered the analogy my awesome high school teacher taught us: its like taking a half step towards the wall, then half that step, then half of the past step, then another.... and if you really get down on a microscopic level, if you keep going half the distance you previously went, well.... you never get to the wall. That is infinity. To me that's ironman too. The wall is that perfect race where everything goes right and you race at your ultimate physical potential and in the three ironman's I've done, I've really started to see the progress towards that wall.

For many years I've been building a machine that's tolerant to fatigue mentally and physically. In the past year, its gotten strong enough to go beyond finishing the 140.6 miles but to begin to learn the art of racing this distance. I'm just now beginning to get strong enough to hop off the bike after 112 miles and a 2.4 mile swim and really feel like the race is just beginning. I'm just starting to have legs off the bike. A few more years of training and I know my body would finally be ready to adapt to running a decent ironman marathon.

This time around I really got my nutrition pretty good. I was patient on the bike with getting calories in when my stomach was backed up. I hydrated well, followed Dirk's plan and I was right on target. What people don't realize is that its not always about WHAT you eat (although that certainly matters a lot) but how you train your body to efficiently metabolize calories during such a long endurance event. This is what Dirk has taught me about the most and I think where most ironman athletes make mistakes. It happens in training during those long aerobic heart rate controlled workouts. Too many athletes feel the need to hammer every workout but don't train their bodies in the aerobic zone- where your ironman race will take place. But I digress....

Other than my pitiful swim, I am super proud of my execution on the bike and of my first 10 miles of the run. My very biggest mistake was skipping any electrolytes in the first 10 miles of the run. I had plenty on the bike between EFS, perform and the occasional powerbar or gel which is why I didn't feel it until 10 miles in. When the cramps started, I also failed mentally. I failed to problem solve and listen to my body. I gave up. I gave in. If I could have those miles back and know what my legs still had to give.... If I could scream at myself in T2 to remember that salt.... Well... those thoughts begin to haunt you. A simple, easy mistake that could have made a monumental difference on the day.

Ironman is about building a machine over a really really long period of time and race day is all about how you run that machine. How you execute, when you fuel up, how many matches to burn along each part of the race, how to keep the engine running optimally over 140.6 miles. I can see how close I'm getting. How my body is getting stronger and adapting to this distance and how much I've learned in running the machine efficiently. I took another half step towards the wall but there are oh so many more to go.

I thought to myself on the queen k that my unwillingness to fight when it got really painful meant that I was done with the sport. My back was wracked with cramps that made each breath intensely painful, my quads were on the verge of seizing up and my bruised knees begged me to quit. And for a time, I listened and began to give into the pain when I would normally have the fortitude to see through those tough moments. At the time, this was my ultimate sign that I was done with the sport: I lacked the will to push.

I lived Kona week and race day with 100% satisfaction that this would be my one and only Ironman World Championship and I could confidently say to others that I was satisfied with what I had accomplished in the sport. I couldn't say otherwise because that was what I truly felt at the time and its always a stress inducing gamble to try and forecast what you may feel in the future. I've learned that the most important thing in life is to live in each moment and to fully immerse myself in the emotions and experience of that period of time.

Feeling what I feel now, I know I'm not done with ironman but I know that I'm also not ready for another right now. The cost/benefit just isn't there for the foreseeable future. That PR and that progress towards infinity, towards my potential isn't worth any more time away from Neil right now. It isn't worth the cost of ironman entry fees and travel, coaches, gear and bike maintenance.... It isn't worth more sacrifice of time away from family and it isn't worth sacrificing other goals in my career and in my life that I've waited to pursue. If I won the lottery and money wasn't an issue and I wasn't working full time, I would continue to pursue ironman without hesitation but the life cost compared to the goals I have is just too great.

Its time to learn to exist in a state of maybe. I'm not shutting the door to future races, I know in my heart I will be back and I don't have to know when. I need to learn to exist without the macro plan. For now, I just want to learn to be and take life as it comes to me instead of planning life around the next big thing and the next race. Neil and I are dedicating the next year to each other and we are so looking forward to the freedom of being able to travel and do as we wish on any given night or weekend as that has been a luxury we've both sacrificed in pursuit of my dream.

"There is no thrill in easy sailing when the skies are clear and blue, there's no joy in merely doing the things which any one can do. But there is some satisfaction that is mighty sweet to take, when you reach a destination you never thought you'd make." -unknown