libby bergman

The Start of Something Good

2012-01-15T06:49:00.005-05:00

Well, the news is out! All that it took to get me back into racing this year was the opportunity to rock the W :) How can I say no to sick kits, edgy design, a laundry list of amazing sponsors and a fun team to race with?!

I'm super stoked to have this opportunity and I can't wait to have fun with it. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I have occasional bouts of panic trying to figure out how I am going to manage training and the fellowship but truth be told, its a great learning experience in balance. I'm going to just have to take it one day at a time and do what I can and keep it all in perspective. I think sometimes we all take some risks in our career to carve out the time for the love of our sport and I know I certainly did that in my previous job in order to get to Kona. Now that the Kona monkey is off my back though, I'm getting a whole new perspective on the place of training and racing in my life. I'm not stressed about it like I tended to get when it was all about Kona. Now that I've accomplished that huge goal, this year is all for fun (and for rockin that super cute kit!)

It's really refreshing to attempt to let go of the uber focused type A triathlete mentality I locked into in years past. I'm still thinking about race scheduling for the year but I know that I will mainly focus on 70.3's, olympics and a few local sprints and try to see if I can find some speed again! I think I am the most excited for the huge get together thats starting to form for New Orleans in April! It seems like all my favorite blogging triathlon buddies from around the country are coming to race.

The fellowship has been going really well. I am thoroughly enjoying getting to work around some of the top people in our profession and absorbing so much of their knowledge. It is so fulfilling to me and I continue to be super grateful and happy every day I get to go back to school. The first week felt a bit like trying to run and catch up to a moving train but now that I feel like I've caught up to the flow of things, I feel my confidence, excitement and passion for my profession building daily. I even get excited to go assistant teach on the weekends both because I really enjoy relearning the material at a higher level and I am loving helping the students to learn and appreciate it as well. I wondered how I would feel about working on the weekend rather than swimbikerunning with friends all day long but, so far, I haven't minded it at all.

Next week I will get to do my first real solo teaching for a small part of an orthopedics lab and I'm so curious to see how I handle it. I love that I'm constantly being pushed just far enough out of my comfort zone to grow and I can't wait to see what the entire year brings.

I had point this week where I wondered if I was really ready to return to training. I guess its the anxiety I get before I start a training season again. Since I start with Dirk this week, I felt like it was my last chance to assert my laziness if I chose to do so. But I woke up this morning and couldn't think of anything better than going for a run (a short one, I have a little mechanical issue in my foot I'm need to fix 100% before I go too crazy). I took my ipod for the first time in ages and pumped some good tunes and at the end of the run, the perfect song came on. Let me preface this by saying I'm kind of a music snob. I float somewhere between the indie/punk/alternative snob with an affinity for hip hop and the occasional soft heart for country. BUT I've been known to fall in love with the occasional pop song and I'm sorry, but I LOVE Kelly Clarkson (I know, a couple years too late right?). That "my life would suck without you" song came on and I just sprinted home with the biggest endorphin rush and the guilty pleasure of thoroughly enjoying the pop power ballad that you want to sing at the top of your lungs. I felt amazing. Everything felt right and I all I could think was that this is the start of something good....

the end of an era

2012-01-03T19:58:00.004-05:00

Wizard of Oz Halloween 2010

Halloween 2011 where Steve accurately predicted I would flake out and saved me with the uber comfortable dementor costume

What they say is true. You really don't know what you've got 'til its gone. Its funny how you can't fully appreciate what you've had until you are looking at in retrospect.

Almost exactly 4 years ago I began my job at an ortho/sports clinic about 40 minutes north of my house. I didn't think it was my dream job at the time; it still seemed so far from home. But slowly my patients and coworkers grew on me and we all became a really phenomenal team. We worked our tails off, we were really solid at what we do and we made a ton of people's lives better through our knowledge and hard work. And what's even more amazing is that we laughed our way through everything. We really truly had a good time at work.

I spent a lot of time these past four years focusing on what wasn't right. The drive was too far, this little annoyance was killing me, X decision the company made pissed me off, where am I really going with this job?.... those thoughts dominated my daily consciousness. The closer I came to leaving though, the more those negatives turned to positives. My coworkers had become some of my closest friends and allies, they had helped me achieve my dreams and had nursed me through some tough moments in life. They were who I shared every day with and they are who teamed up with me to battle through daily toils to create a successful clinic and happy patients. They were who I laughed, cried and smiled with every day.

I don't know that I will ever have the opportunity to be as happy and successful as I was at the job I just left tonight. But I know I'm making the right decision to move forward towards my career goals and what's more, my coworkers know I am too and as sad as goodbye was, they wouldn't let it really be a sad moment. They have always seen and believed in my vision and that has been a really powerful inspiration in my life.

Tonight we celebrated new beginnings and what's next. Onward and upward. Tammy, Steve, Kyle... I don't know that there was ever a better team. Thank you.

Need to perfect my champagne opening skills

Best coworkers ever

Goofing around pre celebration

The end was really a new beginning

2012-01-01T12:00:00.001-05:00

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces towards change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable."

-Helen Keller

Saint Augustine New Year's Eve. Fireworks on the Beach.

Well that didn't take long. Good thing I ended that last post title with a question mark :)

The past 10 weeks or so I feel like I've been going through a triathlon divorce and it was invigorating to break free from the ordinary and do something new. I became a crossfit junkie, chilled out, relaxed and became human. I started dreaming up other life goals like doing all the most bad ass races around the world and doing the crossfit games one day. Next on my list was learning about the Iditarod- I was just in the midst of figuring out how one trains to do a sled dog race. I decided my other new life goal was to finally get barreled which would require much more courage at dropping in on the bigger bombs (or sitting in the shore pound more....). The only reason Neil EVER gets mad at me is if I bail right as I'm about to drop in on a steep wave...

It was fun closing one door and starting to open others in my mind. I love knowing that I don't have to depend on any one thing in life to keep me happy and sane. Triathlon can be such an all consuming sport that I needed some distance to assert my independence from the sport.

To add to this evolution of thought and being, Tuesday I will be leaving my job where I have spent the first four years of my career. It wasn't an easy choice to leave with all the support and love that my company and my patients give me, but the opportunity to do a fellowship kept nagging at me. Shortly after Thanksgiving I received word that I was accepted into the fellowship program at my graduate school here in Saint Augustine. I don't quite know how intense my schedule will be during the fellowship so it was easier to keep triathlon at bay until I got my feet wet in my new job for the next year.

I love triathlon and I always will but all signs seemed to be pointing towards taking a little hiatus and letting life unfold just a little at a time for once. But as I've learned many times before, life is nothing but a series of incredible opportunities and you have two choices: sit back and watch them pass you by or grab hold and enjoy the hell out of the ride.

2011 was an incredible year. I'm still in shock of all the goodness it delivered. I wound up on the podium in St. George and fulfilled my kona dream. I raced my first elite race and earned a little cash. I completed my manual therapy certification after years of hard work and I received the manual therapy fellowship that I will begin this week. Wow, that's a whole lot of hard work coming to fruition in one years time and I'm kind of still in shock about all my good fortune.

On the very last day of the year, one more great opportunity presented itself to me very blatantly and well.... I would have been stupid to pass it up. I will write more about it when its time in the next week or so but suffice it to say, I will most definitely be racing in 2012 and finding the balance between fellowship and doing some fun training and racing is going to be a very big challenge. When I was hard pressed to make the decision to race next year, I realized I'm never one to back down from a new challenge and the excitement and joy I felt about the opportunity made it a fairly easy decision to make. I hope I'm not being naive in my attempt to take on both endeavors, but I'm a big believer in the power of a positive attitude and a peaceful mind to tackle so many great things at one time. I plan on meeting 2012 head on with abundant joy and passion. Life is much too short to do otherwise.

So its back to the blog, back to do some work with Dirk and most certainly back to the drawing board to dream up a race schedule for 2012 once I get into a groove with my new job.

I'm a big believer in the fact that experience shapes us. I had a healthy dose of life growing up and having lost a handful of good friends during my high school years, I learned very acutely to never take anything for granted; not a single special moment, an amazing place or a new opportunity. In a way, I began seeing my life in snapshots. I recognize special moments and try to hold on to them in my mind. I try to remember everything about these moments with friends, family and Neil by reliving them over and over in my mind. Remembering all the sights, smells, sounds and emotions so that someday when I am no longer able to be with that person, I can remember everything about them and the way they made me feel.

I also began to look for signs in my life. Signs that I felt my lost friends were sending me about what path to take in life and although I tend towards being a rigid person with a specific life plan in place, I've learned to ease up on the life plan in order to be open to these signs of fate. So far I've been faithful at following the signs and following my heart and doing so has lead me to some pretty amazing places.

So while I thought I had it all figured out, fate seemed to have another plan for me and, as always, I listened.

Time to rebuild the wattage cottage and hop back in the pool. I've got some work to do so that I can rock out 2012 ;)

The end of the blog?

2011-12-13T21:30:00.000-05:00

I didn't have the guts to state it out loud when I began this blog a few years back, but my intention was to chronicle my journey to the Ironman World Championships. I knew I would do whatever it took to make this little dream in my heart a reality but it was a secret ambition that I only admitted to those closest to me. I believed in myself and I knew it was only a matter of time before others believed in me too. This blog has been a wonderful sounding board in all the struggles and successes along the way and little did I know just how many great friends I would meet by pouring my soul out to the vast world of the internet. Some really cool people have listened and read and I've so enjoyed knowing that I have helped to inspire at least a handful of people by sharing my journey.

Somehow it feels right to end the blog right now. I've met the goal I set out to achieve and despite how much I love to write this blog, the reality is that I feel a little less inclined to share the nitty gritty details of my life on the internet without the shared lens of triathlon to view life through.

Life is pulling me in different directions now and I will continue to passionately follow my heart since it has not once led me astray. My heart feels that its time to put this blog to an end.

Thanks so much to everyone who has read along and believed in me along the way. I couldn't have done it without your love. You know who you are :)

Until I blog again may the wind always be at your back, may you always have smooth roads to ride on, may you always have the courage to dream big, the passion to live life to the fullest and the perseverance to endure until your dreams come true.

Cheers,

Libby

Resetting normal

2011-12-01T13:37:00.004-05:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (surprised? then you don't normally read this blog...)
About life, balance, triathlon, goals, what it means to be an athlete and how to do all the things we want to do in life. I think this is even harder for females than it is for males- throw childbearing and being a mother into the equation of life, work, marriage, friends, spirituality.... well, it just seems like an unfair standard to both have to balance a succesful career AND raise a family. Throw into the mix our need for self fulfillment via sport and now things get even hairier.... but I digress
I've been thinking about offseason. We all get so excited about it but we all hate it after a few weeks as goals and dreams of the next season filter into our minds. Then there are those of us who are maybe contemplating a transition from the ironman world. It feels a little odd to be so casually walking away from ironman when it seems the whole world is now aspiring to enter the sport (hyperbole. yes, I know). It just seems like something about the soul of the sport gets lost in its seemingly ever present popularity. Call me a snob, but I liked it when triathlon was a fringe sport. When things tend to get overly popularized I tend to become more and more disinterested in them so I guess I'm an elitist in all aspects of life.
When you walk away from the heavy handed structure and single minded focus that is the ironman life, you have to reset normal. I don't know if I realized it, but I guess this is what I have been going through since Kona. Initially post race, you want another race on the horizon just to maintain homeostatis of body, mind and schedule. As the weeks wore on from Kona, I slowly felt my mind release from the death grip of feeling like I HAD to race. I let go of the addiction and with every day I'm finding that not only is it ok to not have a race on the horizon, its actually pretty awesome.
My mind is so much more open to new experiences, I'm relaxed and more stress tolerant to life's annoyances and I feel rested for the first time in years. If I have a little extra unexpected time in my day, I'm not racing home to try and catch up on 20 minutes extra sleep and I'm not dragging myself around in a haze of self induced exhaustion. I feel healthy and that's an awesome feeling.
I started thanksgiving day with an little interval run mixed with lunges, push ups and squats- my little homemade crossfit work out pre-Thanksgiving dinner. I did it because I wanted to get some energy out but some part of me did it out of habit too. After that, I spent the rest of the 4 days off doing nothing at all. I hung out with my inlaws, watched a million movies and football games, decorated for Christmas with the family. I barely left the house and the most energetic thing I did for each day was shower. I had no idea how badly I needed that. I felt like a new person after this weekend. I haven't had this much energy in years.
Suddenly this morning I realized that I had done it, I had reset normal. Its now normal for me to get up and walk the dog on the beach in the morning, or to go to masters' just for a social workout of no more than 2500 meters, or sleep in because I want to. Its normal for me to go to crossfit every night and love it. Its normal to wake up and do things differently than I used to. And now that that is normal, I don't feel as anxious about not racing for the forseeable future. I like it this way right now and I'm finally ok with that :)

No Magic

2011-11-23T12:49:00.007-05:00

the magic shoes

I have a history of having a little something magical left in me after my "A" race each year. It seems that every single year, no matter how much I sit on the couch and be lazy, somewhere in the 4-5 week post "A" race range, I have some fast running in me. Up until now, its always been one of those fun surprises where I just head out for a fun fall road race and totally surprise myself. Well, after a few years of this, I kinda came to expect it.

I signed up for a 10k and half marathon this weekend. They were new races right IN St. Augustine so it was awfully hard to say no to a local race all your friends are doing right down the street from your house.

I had a horrible week leading up to the race. Both my hips had flared up on me (like immediately after registering/paying for the stupid races.... figures) and I could barely walk for a few days mid week. I was thinking by then the races weren't happening and there was surely very little running going on.

As things go, my hips were ok by Saturday and I threw on my flats to see what I had in me. I love my magic little saucony's. Every time I put them on the magic happens and I surprise myself and fly! I haven't run many 10k's and my 10k pr is STILL from an olympic distance tri in college (40:20). So I thought what the heck, I will go out right at 6:30 pace and see how that feels (thinking 6:30's would feel like a steady tempo to build off of). Not. so. much.

Wow, I hit that first mile in 6:30 and it felt about a 5:45 effort. Wow. Luckily, no one was with me. I was running in second behind a speedy dude who had long since pulled away. I dialed it back to 6:45-6:50 pace and just tried to find some enjoyment in the lack of magic that was occuring. I got to the turnaround and a girl was coming on hard from behind. I hadn't noticed her at the start but she was hammering. I kept pretty much even (slow) splits from there on out and in the last half mile she blew by me and I didn't even put up a fight. She was way out of my league and I couldn't have went with her anyhow but I wish I could have! We warmed down together and as it turns out, she is University of Florida's ex-number one runner (which helped me feel a bit better about my performance). Neither of us were fast (41:30 and 41:50) but it was good to have a little local show down (if that even counts since she runs like a 35:xx 10k!)

It was a little tough not to feel disappointed that there was no magic in my legs but putting some thought to it I've now realized that hey, maybe I just actually peaked on time for once in my life!! That's a good thing!

Sunday was extra special because Neil (Mr. I'm super fast but refuse to race) signed up for the half marathon. In my 10 years of knowing him, I've convinced him to do exactly one race with me. Neil is a very talented athlete with ZERO desire to race. I would say zero competitive instinct, but when it comes to his wife, he somehow manages to find that competitive instinct.

After my ego beating on Saturday, I had no expectations. In fact, I had almost followed through on my plans to DNS Sunday's race and if it weren't for Neil racing, I likely would have bailed remembering the previous days' painful experience.

But it was so so much fun having our whole local club out there racing and cheering and Neil blew it out of the water. We started at 7:40 pace and I kept telling Neil to hold it back since his longest run to date was closer to 8 miles. We ran with another friend Jay who we were trying to keep on track to break 1:40. The course had a big bridge in it and Neil managed to hammer up the bridge without it affecting him at all and at mile 8 coming down the bridge he started to turn it up. 7:30, 7:20, 7:20, 7:20 and finally he had one mini low point at mile 10 which lasted all of 10 seconds as he tried to convince me to go ahead. But I was hurting! This was perfect pace for me and I was pushing it too sadly enough. Neil took his first gel ever and was quickly back in the game finishing the last two miles at 6:45 pace! He dropped me on the final bridge to the finish and ended up running a 1:36 and winning his age group in fashion with a sweet little negative split. Pretty awesome stuff. He's a natural. I managed to score third overall with a personal worst of 1:37. Ouch. That's closer to my 70.3 pr split than it is my open 13.1 split. Oh well. Tons of fun and I loved running with Neil.

I don't forsee much more racing in the near future.... lesson for the weekend is that I am not mentally or physically ready! But now I know it for sure :)

Finding Peace

2011-11-19T19:25:00.000-05:00

5 weeks.

Its taken me about that long to really honestly say that I'm adjusting to life post ironman obsession. I've always maintained that although I'm a triathlete at heart, I wanted to keep one foot grounded in "reality." I think its important to find a balance in life and when I find myself too consumed by any one thing, I try to take a step back and reassess my life balance. To be sure, having Kona ambitions and racing the ironman world championships is a life consuming event- one that I will never forget might I add. But despite the joy I still have for the ENTIRE experience and the process of achieving and living such a huge dream, I find it equally as important (and difficult) to walk away. When you love something a whole lot, sometimes its better appreciated by allowing yourself time away from it.

My goals for life post Kona are all about finding a new equilibrium of mental, physical and spiritual health. My goals are:

To address my enormous muscle imbalances, tend to all the nagging injuries that I just manage on a day to day basis during heavy training loads.

To overhaul my diet not by going on some crazy restrictive diet but by focusing on enjoying a healthy balance of foods and just appreciating having the time to spend in the kitchen to cook.

To learn to eat a normal amount of food and not have to balance out too many calories with increased workout time (this is always a tough one coming off huge training hours!)

To nurture our marriage and spend more time taking trips together that aren't focused on "me" and "my racing."

To enjoy the new freedom to set new goals in my career, life and in sport.

To refocus our marriage and learn to dream together again and to continue to grow together as husband and wife

To grow as a physical therapist, as a wife and in general, as a human being

To find a new sense of normalcy and be content with enjoying sport without having to always push my limits.

To learn to better appreciate good health through sport rather than focusing on a goal time or qualification standard

To become better involved in my church community and in my faith and begin some regular volunteer work

To learn to find peace and calm in the midst of the chaos that is life so I that I can be a better wife to Neil, a better friend, a better PT and a better person

To take hold of my career path and make moves that put me further along the path towards becoming an educator, a PhD candidate and a master clinician who has a small hand in research and public health policy

The list goes on....

But in reality, I'm trying to break my addiction to progress. At the brink of turning 30, I've spent my whole life pursuing the next big thing. College, travel, grad school, marriage, career, ironman... there has always been a pending life goal I've worked towards. And while life is about progress and growth, there must be some time to stop and smell the roses. To be happy with NOW and not waiting on tomorrow. Truth be told, pursuing more athletic progress in the ironman sphere would only take me further away from any sense of balance at this point in my life.

I've sat with all these thoughts the past few weeks and just let myself be ok with the post ironman let down. I had moments where I was ready to sign right back up for the next Mdot and pursue another Kona slot but slowly my new reality has seemed so much brighter and more peaceful. That sense of peace and calm has been my sign that I'm making the right decisions for my life right now.

I'm finding a new place where I'm actually enjoying planning out a workout schedule day by day based on what I FEEL like doing. And more often than not, I feel like just getting out and getting some exercise and enjoying our beautiful fall weather.

Crossfit has been a huge help. For one thing, its now become the center of my workout planning and being around the non-triathlete oriented people in the class has helped me rediscover and redefine the idea of being an athlete. More often than not, I'm discovering the ridiculous weaknesses I have and in just a short period of time, I'm already seeing progress with these weaknesses.

Sometimes life's biggest challenge is to be joyful about where you are at. To truly experience all the wonderful gifts life has given us instead of pursuing the next big thing.

the allure of the button called snooze

2011-11-02T12:43:00.006-04:00

Happy Halloween! Nothing says health care professional like a dementor/grim reaper costume :)

Making a new habit of eating breakfast in beautiful places on my way to work. Nothing like a hot cup of coffee on a cool fall morning with sun rising at the fort. I truly live in a beautiful place. Love having these moments to myself!

Well "offseaon" has been rolling along but I feel a little forlorn even using that word wondering if there is an "onseason" again for me ever. Yup, that little tinge of feeling lost won't quite escape me. So in my mind, I keep trying to plan the next big thing. Some spring running races, maybe a 13.1 or 26.2 if training is going well. But then I run and I'm kinda not that into it. I will go on a run and just think to myself, nah.... I'm not in the mood to be running a ton.

So I set my alarm every morning to get up and just get in a nice refreshing workout before work- I do really feel like working out, its by no means drudgery- and every morning I go through about 90 minutes of snooze button. I just can't get out of bed. I'm not sure if its because I just really am tired, or if its the luxury of I don't HAVE to get up so I'm not going to, but in any case I just sleep in alot. The only exception is leaving just enough time to go to the beach in the morning with Brisbane. I love love love fall in Florida as the beach is empty, windy and dark. The ocean is roaring and the stars are out in force and lucky me, I get this show all to myself. Now THAT has been getting me out of bed in the morning.

Every evening starts with a good workout plan but usually ends up in another dinner/drink affair with friends and it has been so much fun to have the time to catch up with all the awesome people in my life. It's been an awesomely relaxing time for me to enjoy these simple pleasures of spending time with friends and being more of a relaxed human being but the athletic side of me is just chafing with my own laziness. I am a true gemini with completely opposed mulitple personalities.

See the thing is, I'm kind of a lazy person. All or nothing as I've said before. I'm either training or I'm not. And with no goal on the horizon that would even come near the personal importance to me that Kona did, well, I kinda can't find a groove. I'm definitely falling pretty far on the side of NOT training. But all that changed last night with my first experience at crossfit. Yes, that cultish fad that I've purposely avoided due to my perception of horrible mechanics and unnecessary testosterone charged musculoskeletal overload. BUT I went in with an open mind and I was super suprised to find that I love it! Its exactly the type of challenge I've been seeking and I'm sure I couldn't have found any athletic activity more diametrically opposed to what my body is used to doing. Score. I want to suck and start from the bottom and teach my body something new. Mission accomplished :)

I was so excited about it in fact, I actually got out of bed this morning to run before work for the first time since Kona. I was suprised to find that despite last nights crossfit ass kicking, I could still run this morning! I was sore, but not the kind of stiff sore that inhibits you from running.

Just finding this one new little group of cool people with a culture and physical challenge so different than what I'm used to has been enough to get me super stoked on all things training again. I think crossfit is just the foothold I need to get started doing SOMETHING again and I can't wait until I can really get stronger and tear up some of these workouts. I don't have to know what the next race is or when/if triathlon will be involved in the next few years but just having this new challenge right here in front of me now has helped me to transition to the reality of a blank race schedule for 2012.

Next week is a big one. I have an interview that will very much change my life if it goes well and I suppose its that unknown that has really kept me from making any sort of athletic related plans for the forseeable future. On top of that my Dad is ending up having to get a pacemaker afterall so he's back in the hospital next Thursday.

By the end of the year, I will have a pretty good idea of what the future looks like and I'm pretty stoked about some opportunities coming my way. Stay tuned and I hope to have some good news sooner or later!

the next big thing

2011-10-22T11:23:00.005-04:00

Back in the day of my first road bike (which I proudly rode for about 10 years!)

2 weeks after completing the race I've dreamed about for so many years, my mind keeps reverting to what's next? Kona was at the top of my bucket list for so long and was such a big goal for me that it feels like I almost totally wiped out my sport related bucket list.

I ran for the first time today. In fact, it was my first workout at all since Kona (well, except snorkeling and hiking in paradise :) ). I really had the urge to workout about 3 days after Kona but I really wanted to give my body some true rest. I usually like to start moving again with some yoga and spinning my legs out on the bike but seeing as how my bike hasn't made it out of the box yet....

I was so surprised at my recovery from this Ironman. I don't know if my body has finally adapted better to this distance, or if its Dirk's magic training or maybe just all the walking I did on the Queen K, but this time around my legs were kinda like "yea, ok thats fine. when's the next wko/race?" I was walking up and down stairs normally in record time (1 day) and didn't have any of that weird everything hurts soreness where everything from your scalp to your toenails is sore. I was even running down stairs at the airport just because I could! It was just my knees that were really a problem initially and had I not fallen on them and then done an ironman with bruised patellofemoral joints I don't think I would have even had that.

My first Ironman, it took me about 5 weeks to be able to run again and even when I was swimming, I thought I would sink. I ran 5 miles today and my heart rate was normal and I didn't have any of the deep fatigue in my legs I would normally feel. Very cool to feel my body adapt to this distance and all the endurance training so successfully!

Running with the club this morning after sleeping in (7:00!), doing some rehab and yoga, making breakfast and lingering over a cup of coffee has been heaven. Time is a luxury I have not had since training ramped up back in January. Neil has been in heaven with multiple hour back scratching sessions and we've fallen back into a nice routine of having more time to spend together without me passing out or preparing for the next training session.

But with all this, my mind keeps running. What's next (athletically anyhow, there's lots of other life and career plans in the works)? I'm an athlete, I'm competitive, I need some kind of goal but one that doesn't involve too much time, money or commitment.

I've thought about a marathon PR. I would be really curious to see if I can hit that 3:00-3:10 region but that would take some work to find my speed again. I've even thought about informally working with some running coaches around here just to really discover my running potential since I've never just straight up trained to run. I would also still like to break that magic 1:00 mark in the Gate 15k in march and maybe enter the super painful territory of a sub 19 5k (would rather run a marathon any day please). The idea is growing on me even though initially running by itself sounded awfully boring compared to triathlon. Plus anyone who even informally helps me get my speed back with a few ideas would have to be flexible enough to understand how not serious I would want to take my running despite my goals.

My heart seems to keep getting drawn back to the bike though. Life just doesn't feel right without a bike seat underneath me for at least some part of the time. My half built mountain bike keeps staring me in the face every morning when I get up and fall makes me long for living back in wisconsin where there existed a cross season. Maybe Xterra is where its at for me this year (yes, they have those in FL despite not so epic mountain biking). My seriously lacking technical skills on the trails would make that a super fun learning experience for me albeit painful (did I mention my nickname is stumbles?)

I keep returning to the thought of doing some road racing more than anything. Only problem is I sold my road bike so I could afford to go to St. George and funds are lacking for buying a new bike at the moment. I was so sold on this idea, I've even been contemplating selling my tri bike to free up some cash but the thought almost brings me to tears. I'm not that ready to say I'm breaking up with triathlon yet. At least now there's a possibility of more triathlon ahead. Road racing just sounds so refreshing and interesting. Something new to learn and the idea of the tactics involved would be such a learning experience. I love learning something totally new from the ground up. Being a newbie is a way cool experience and you are kind of immune to all the intricacies of the sport that wear on you when you are a veteran. Life is way too short for just one sport. Now I just gotta learn how to get hooked up with a road bike cheaply and figure out how this whole racing thing works. Clueless. Totally clueless. I love that challenge. I think crits would be out for me though, did a few in college and to be honest, I'm kind of over that level of risk of injury. With my job a serious injury can put me out of work. I need my body to make money these days.

There's a few more out there things I wonder about doing. Adventure racing or ultramarathoning sounds mildly appealing but I'm not sure I'm so sold on ultra distance running. There was a day I said no way I would ever do an ironman though (approximately 0.5 seconds after making it through my first 70.3 in 6+ hours as a green 21 year old in st. croix) so never say never.

There's all kinds of other possibilities too. I was watching cross fit nationals on espn and thinking how awesome it would be to be that strong. Sometimes I want to be some kind of super centered yoga guru or bad ass martial arts chick maybe? I can't wait to get back in the water and surf more, my lack of short boarding talent still bothers me and the idea of getting better at windsurfing still lingers in the back of my mind. The dreams and ideas keep coming....

So I don't know right now! Its kind of fun re-exploring what's out there and starting over. I need that next big kona-like thing to put on the bucket list for my post 30 year old life (next year is the big 3-0!). I'm just not sure it gets any bigger than the Ironman World Championships though and who wants to reach the peak of their athletic career at 29? Not me :) I definitely want to be back at Kona someday and I really want to be doing Ironman when I'm in my 70's or 80's if I still get to be around. That's just flat out badass. Although by the time my peers are that age, we will probably all be rocking sub 12 hour performances in our 80's still blowing each other's socks off for a chance at that podium. The idea that all of us will somehow come back to this sport as old ladies and that we will still be racing the same peeps in our 80's makes me smile. I hope we do that :)

For now its time to keep dreaming new dreams!!

Mission Accomplished.

what I've learned

2011-10-17T21:22:00.006-04:00

I'm going to go travel log on you soon but here's a preview of my favorite pics and some emotional ramblings from beginning to reflect on this whole journey to hawaii...

To be told that I've inspired someone else is the highest compliment I could ever be paid

To be told that so many times in the past year makes every step of this journey worth it and it really makes me feel that I've lead a successful life

Living your life to the fullest, exploring your talents with unapologetic passion and striving to be the person you want to be while accepting your imperfections actually does inspire others

This journey to ali'i drive has made me feel more loved than anything I've ever done in life and while I don't always feel worthy of all that love, it will never go under-appreciated

The friendships triathlon has brought me have strong roots and deep bonds that will never be broken by distance or time apart

It was never about winning, or finishing times, or places. It wasn't about money or medals. While it mattered at the time, it will never be what I remember. Its always been about the friends, the experiences, the joy of overcoming my own limits. Somewhere in the process, inspiring others has validated that emotion.

Whatever your dream is, chase it. Whatever your passion is, envelop your soul in it. Whatever you want to achieve in life, make it happen. God doesn't promise tomorrow, but you do have right now. Life is much too short to pursue material possessions, you can't take them with you. But you can grab hold of your life, become the person you've always dreamed of, travel to the ends of the earth, meet amazing people, make incredible friends and chase your dreams. If your fortunate enough to live life to a ripe old age, you can look back and know it was all worthwhile; that at each moment in time, you lived your life to the fullest and became the person you desired to be.

A state of maybe

2011-10-14T12:35:00.004-04:00

I am so glad Janet got this pic of Kevin and I post race so many emotions and so much pain going on here. I think this is my favorite post Ironman pic ever. I seem to already be forgetting what this felt like....

It took a little longer this time. I actually can honestly say that up until Thursday, I felt deeply satisfied with Saturday's accomplishment and I really felt ready to move on in life without an ironman on the horizon.

Maybe it started reading other people's blogs, maybe the perspective that passing time creates has gradually warped my mind, but the satisfaction I felt post race is slowly being replaced by the desire to do better. You know in math when you learn about infinity and limits? I always remembered the analogy my awesome high school teacher taught us: its like taking a half step towards the wall, then half that step, then half of the past step, then another.... and if you really get down on a microscopic level, if you keep going half the distance you previously went, well.... you never get to the wall. That is infinity. To me that's ironman too. The wall is that perfect race where everything goes right and you race at your ultimate physical potential and in the three ironman's I've done, I've really started to see the progress towards that wall.

For many years I've been building a machine that's tolerant to fatigue mentally and physically. In the past year, its gotten strong enough to go beyond finishing the 140.6 miles but to begin to learn the art of racing this distance. I'm just now beginning to get strong enough to hop off the bike after 112 miles and a 2.4 mile swim and really feel like the race is just beginning. I'm just starting to have legs off the bike. A few more years of training and I know my body would finally be ready to adapt to running a decent ironman marathon.

This time around I really got my nutrition pretty good. I was patient on the bike with getting calories in when my stomach was backed up. I hydrated well, followed Dirk's plan and I was right on target. What people don't realize is that its not always about WHAT you eat (although that certainly matters a lot) but how you train your body to efficiently metabolize calories during such a long endurance event. This is what Dirk has taught me about the most and I think where most ironman athletes make mistakes. It happens in training during those long aerobic heart rate controlled workouts. Too many athletes feel the need to hammer every workout but don't train their bodies in the aerobic zone- where your ironman race will take place. But I digress....

Other than my pitiful swim, I am super proud of my execution on the bike and of my first 10 miles of the run. My very biggest mistake was skipping any electrolytes in the first 10 miles of the run. I had plenty on the bike between EFS, perform and the occasional powerbar or gel which is why I didn't feel it until 10 miles in. When the cramps started, I also failed mentally. I failed to problem solve and listen to my body. I gave up. I gave in. If I could have those miles back and know what my legs still had to give.... If I could scream at myself in T2 to remember that salt.... Well... those thoughts begin to haunt you. A simple, easy mistake that could have made a monumental difference on the day.

Ironman is about building a machine over a really really long period of time and race day is all about how you run that machine. How you execute, when you fuel up, how many matches to burn along each part of the race, how to keep the engine running optimally over 140.6 miles. I can see how close I'm getting. How my body is getting stronger and adapting to this distance and how much I've learned in running the machine efficiently. I took another half step towards the wall but there are oh so many more to go.

I thought to myself on the queen k that my unwillingness to fight when it got really painful meant that I was done with the sport. My back was wracked with cramps that made each breath intensely painful, my quads were on the verge of seizing up and my bruised knees begged me to quit. And for a time, I listened and began to give into the pain when I would normally have the fortitude to see through those tough moments. At the time, this was my ultimate sign that I was done with the sport: I lacked the will to push.

I lived Kona week and race day with 100% satisfaction that this would be my one and only Ironman World Championship and I could confidently say to others that I was satisfied with what I had accomplished in the sport. I couldn't say otherwise because that was what I truly felt at the time and its always a stress inducing gamble to try and forecast what you may feel in the future. I've learned that the most important thing in life is to live in each moment and to fully immerse myself in the emotions and experience of that period of time.

Feeling what I feel now, I know I'm not done with ironman but I know that I'm also not ready for another right now. The cost/benefit just isn't there for the foreseeable future. That PR and that progress towards infinity, towards my potential isn't worth any more time away from Neil right now. It isn't worth the cost of ironman entry fees and travel, coaches, gear and bike maintenance.... It isn't worth more sacrifice of time away from family and it isn't worth sacrificing other goals in my career and in my life that I've waited to pursue. If I won the lottery and money wasn't an issue and I wasn't working full time, I would continue to pursue ironman without hesitation but the life cost compared to the goals I have is just too great.

Its time to learn to exist in a state of maybe. I'm not shutting the door to future races, I know in my heart I will be back and I don't have to know when. I need to learn to exist without the macro plan. For now, I just want to learn to be and take life as it comes to me instead of planning life around the next big thing and the next race. Neil and I are dedicating the next year to each other and we are so looking forward to the freedom of being able to travel and do as we wish on any given night or weekend as that has been a luxury we've both sacrificed in pursuit of my dream.

"There is no thrill in easy sailing when the skies are clear and blue, there's no joy in merely doing the things which any one can do. But there is some satisfaction that is mighty sweet to take, when you reach a destination you never thought you'd make." -unknown

Kona Race Report

2011-10-09T13:03:00.003-04:00

Goal of the day was to have a HUGE smile the whole way. Mission (mostly) accomplished.

Hope you're ready for an atrociously long race report with no pics. Yet!

It's hard to know where to begin. Yesterday was such an awesome, painful, magical, fulfilling day. A complete dream come true. There is certainly a magic and power about kona on ironman race day. So many dreams fulfilled, so many expectations crushed on the queen k, so many people gathered together to push their limits to get to that finish line. I know I'm not that only one that dreamed of that finish line for many years.

Race morning I wasn't very nervous at all. I had a strange sense of fulfillment and awe for just being here and being a part of the race. I had nothing left to prove to myself or anyone else and though the competitive part of me of course wanted to race to my potential, a bigger part of me was completely focused on just experiencing this race. Its reputation is the stuff of legends so no sense in having sky high dreams and disrespecting the difficulty of this course.

Check in went smoothly. It was awesome getting the big number stamps and they actually do make you weigh in beforehand which was kind a stark reminder of what your body is going to go through on this day.

When it came time to hop in the water I got in nearly first and just floated on my back and looked back and the thousands of people packing the sea wall. Its a totally surreal and unbelievable feeling to be the one in the water instead of on the sidelines. I kept with the plan of starting off to the left of the car and unknowingly ended up right by a crew of good friends including beth shutt, katie thomas, shawn burke and tony maniatis. Gotta love it, 1800 people in the water and we all think alike and end up right in the same spot. I was right where I wanted to be and ready to roll but as start time got closer, people started to push over to the left and my perfect little spot got over run with lots of large guys. Shawn called back to me to get me back up a few rows saying I was too fast to be back where I was (which garnered lots of looks from said aggro age group wanna be superstars) but I didn't want to start off too aggressively. Mistake number one.

About 5 minutes before the start, the drums start beating a slow steady battle rhythm and the excitement really builds. It actually got physical just jockeying for position as the drums slowly began to build their pace and then.... finally.... the cannon goes off.

Chaos doesn't even begin to describe. I always try to just stay calm in my mind, just go somewhere else and relax so I don't panic in the scrum. Its easy to feel like you are just constantly being drowned and I was getting worked. I was pushed under, pulled back, you name it. I didn't get off the front of the mess and I got totally stuck with too slow a group and there was nothing I could do. Starting to the left is great strategy- the bouy line seems to angle from the pier so about 500 meters into it suddenly you are right on course. Unfortunately when our group met the group that started on the line, we got even more slowed down. Since I didn't get off fast enough, we were stuck in a slower section of swimmers that started right on course.

The first half of the swim I just tried to find some clean water but it was at a premium. Eventually I got sick of getting beat up and moved in to right on the buoy line. Its funny how almost no one swims right ON the buoy line. Finally I had some cleaner water and less contact. This swim is so awesome because there are so many volunteers on surfboards to keep you on course that there's no way you can get off course or go too far inside because every 100 meters theres another surfboard to push you out and keep you on target.

We got to the turnaround and then things got really out of hand. I threw a few f-bombs and was pissed at some people's ettiqutte but whatever. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen. Its the Ironman World Championships so I told myself to suck it up. I finally felt like I hit my rhythm on the way back in but I knew I was swimming in a 1:05 to 1:06 group. Crap. Not what I was looking for. I was so relieved to exit the boxing match. Being on a bike out in the open without constantly getting punched and kicked sounded far superior to the way I had spent the past hour.

Transition was awesome but of course with my slow swim everyone and their mother was already in the tent. Had a quick uneventful change and headed out to execute Dirk's plan on the bike. When you exit transition, nothing prepares you for the amazing crowd support in Kona. Its totally unreal. I had a huge smile on my face, the energy in town was nothing short of incredible!

You go straight up Palani which is a significant hill and a little rough for the first few pedal strokes out of the water. The first 10ish miles loop around town and they are packed. I felt like I was in the tour de kona. It seemed like I got passed by the entire freakin field. It felt like a sprint triathlon and I just couldn't believe how many people were just dropping the hammer through town. And doing stupid stuff too! Descending Palani is a no passing zone and I had some dude pass me on the right, during the turn! Holy ITU style racing. Seriously? Calm down. Its a long day. I didn't worry about it but I couldn't wait to get on the queen k to steady my effort more and get away from the madness.

Dirk switched me away from power and back to heartrate this summer. After being so sick, it was a better way to keep my body in check in training and to avoid burnout (which he could smell all the way from California at times this summer). The plan was to keep it 160-165 out to Hawi and then 155-160 on the way back in and, as always, eat every 20 minutes. Though my legs were initially not feeling that hot, they started to come around about mile 20 and then I was just in the zone. The way out to Hawi went by fast, my heart rate was locked in and my fueling was going well. I had to be a bit patient initially as my stomach felt backed up but persistence, patience and listening to my body paid off. I usually have a bottle of double strength EFS on my training rides and it works great. But its super salty and for some reason, I felt kind of over salted. So I decided to hold off on taking my salt pills. It just felt right so I didn't take a single one and did a lot of water at almost every aid station.

The bike course itself is hilly. By no means is it flat in any sense of the word. But my legs and heart rate were perfect and I ignored people around me who would surge up the hills only to come back to me at the flats. Ironman is all about not spiking your heart rate and keeping the effort smooth and steady.

We made the turn up to the legendary Hawi and started the 18 mile climb. Its not a really an 18 mile climb, its still rolling terrain until just about the last 5 ish miles. Thats when the winds really kicked in and were pushing us around pretty good. It was only minorly sketchy though and I have a feeling we got away with lighter winds than Hawi can typically dish out. I felt really steady and in control the whole way up. It didn't hurt one bit and I didn't push out of my zones. Towards the top I got to see my college teammate Lauren and it was so great to be out there in such an epic place in triathlon. We both started our triathlon careers at UW Madison so it was really cool 10 years later to be sharing this experience with her. What a long way we've come!

On our way up we got to see the pro field coming down. That was probably the most amazing part of this race was having front row seats to the action. I got to cheer Dirk on and see that he was right up front and in the women's race, Dibens was KILLING It on the bike. She was absolutely hammering the women's field and Chrissie wasn't anywhere in sight- she must have been 30 minutes back! Everyone around me was so focused on their own race and the climb but I was busy cheering on the pros. How awesome is it to be sharing the same road and get to see the action right in front of you?!

It felt pretty darn good to get up into town and make that turnaround and then we started descending. Holy FUN!!! It was the best part of the course. Huge cross/tailwind descending down and I was flying a 32 mph. The winds knocked me around a bit but it wasn't so bad. Again, I think madame pele probably gave us an easier day than she has in her. But we also get a lot of epically windy days in Jacksonville so maybe I was prepared for it too.

The way back in on the queen K gets long and the field finally strings out more significantly. That was one cool thing about the course- you always have some company but on the whole its a very fair race. There were some people bunched together drafting here and there but there were tons of refs dishing out penalties so it was great to have a really fair race. I was passed by a marshal at least 10 times and they would slow and watch your passes closely and time them.

Anyhow, the last 30 miles or so you start to get a nice head wind and its a bit of work to bring it home.

Somewhere around 80 miles I started looking at my total time and realized that I could potentially have a VERY good bike split. But I know the winds on the way home crush a lot of dreams so I didn't think too much on it. Just tried to keep sticking to the plan. Eating was getting harder, I dreaded every time 20 minutes came around and I had to eat but I would feel better after eating. As I got closer into town I crossed a timing mat and started to tear up, I knew my friends at home would see how awesome I was doing on the bike and be so proud of me. I still can't believe my bike. It was awesome to see what I can really do on an IM bike split. I felt solid the whole way, never had a low point at all and even up to mile 110 I wasn't wishing myself off the bike. I was just loving it. That's one thing about Dirk's training, you may not be a superstar in the first 80 miles, but I can guarantee that I will probably feel better in the last 30 miles of an ironman bike than 90% of the field. That's where all his training really pays off.

As we approached the energy lab the helicopters were hovering. The mens race was unfolding right in front of us. I got to see Dirk going into the energy lab and I screamed my face off for him. He looked like he was hurting and I was going to find out why when I hit that part of the course too.

Going through town again was nuts. Tons of screaming fans and a fast turn and descent down Palani. The run around transition was long and slippery. I took my time in transition and even had to pee (sorry TMI but was very happy to stay hydrated after my experience in St. George).

The plan on the run was to run the first 3 miles slower than I wanted to and keep my heart rate 165-168. For once, my heart rate was actually on the low side. That almost never happens. I kept it smooth and steady down ali'i and made sure I didn't let the crowd energy jack me up. I felt AMAZING and I knew I could be in for a really really fast day if I could put together the run I'm capable of. I focused on fueling, hydrating and ice down the pants to keep my body temp down. It felt easy and automatic. Because the way out seemed mostly uphill, I kept this control up until mile 5. At the turnaround I started to drop the pace and it felt great. Again, more water and food but my heart rate was still rather low which was unusual. I had this great plan that I wasn't going to succumb to walking for at least the first 13 miles and mentally, I had prepared myself well for the first 10 miles but maybe not so much for the miles after that. Going up to Palani onto the Queen K is a bitch. I'm not going to lie. That hill SUCKS (other than the amazing crowd support!). But while I was going up, Chrissie and then Rinny were going down. Again, front row seats to the action, so amazing. I gave them huge cheers as they made their way to the finish and I couldn't believe that Chrissie made up that much time or that Rinny was so close behind! The women's race looked like it was actually a race this year!

Just after mile 11 on the Queen K my legs began to tighten. This has NEVER happened to me before this early in the race. As I tried to keep moving along, the muscles between my rib cage started to cramp (not a sidestitch- I've had some thoracic spine issues and this was actually in my back between my last two ribs). I didn't know what to think. I started to walk. How could the wheels fall of right now? That makes no sense. All the training I've done and how conservative I started the run. I just couldn't figure it out. I started to go to that bad place mentally. I figured my day was over and I would be walking the rest of the way, but walking 15 miles is a LONG way to walk. I started to wish the race was over. The stretch of the run course along the Queen K before you enter the energy lab is absolutely interminable. And I hate to complain because it was overcast which is a gift from God on this notoriously blistering stretch of road. I reasoned with myself quite a bit and figured that my body was just tired. Cumulative fatigue from a long year. I started to think about taking up a less painful hobby like knitting and wondered where my deep seeded need for masochism and pain comes from. I told myself too that it was all mental. I just didn't want to hurt. I didn't want to dig. I had absolutely nothing left to prove to anyone else or even myself. I was here on the queen k. The place I had dreamed about for so long and I was struggling. But so were lots of others including some of the pros coming home including Lieto- he looked terrible. Its a weird state of suffering and watching others' dreams die on that barren stretch of road. Mentally, it has to be the toughest stretch in all of triathlon. Its hilly, hot and the scenery doesn't change. It just keeps going. My knee caps were aching fiercely and each step felt like stabbing pains in my patellofemoral joints. I tripped and fell during the underwear run on Thursday falling directly on both knee caps and bruising them. I passed it off like it would be fine, but it wasn't. They hurt like hell.

I caught up with a girl from Winter Park and we walked together for a bit. If there's one good thing about ironman suffering, its that its shared pain with many many other people. She started taking some salts and it hit me, I hadn't had ANY electrolytes since starting the run. You dumbass. You've been pounding water and not taking any salt tabs. How dumb can I be? And how could I have not recognized this and thought my race was over?

I started eating pretzels, drinking coke, pounding salt tabs and I was running again. It wasn't pretty and it still hurt all the way through the energy lab. I hit the motivational mile and there it was on a the big screen. The message from Neil "Libby Bergman H T F U !" I had spent the last 7 miles pissing and moaning to myself and for some reason, Neil's intolerance for my complaining was just the thing I needed to lift my spirits. That and some awesome support from Karel and Lauren's husband Brodie who were out at the energy lab exit.

I left the energy lab with a second wind. The cramps were gone, I felt so much less negative. It was time to bring this ugly thing home. The miles were long and hard. They were most certainly not pretty but I had regained some focus and felt like I was actually running a decent pace. At this point all time goals were out the window, it was about the finish line but I wasn't going to give in to the Queen K. I had one last stand in me. Finally at mile 24 I was running with a girl whose coach was on the side of the road egging her on. Acknowledging that she had a bad day but that with 2.1 miles to go, there was still 23 minutes to the 11 hour mark. He pleaded with her to at least put this thing under 11 hours.

Other than Kona, the one Ironman goal that would REALLY bug me if I didn't accomplish it is breaking that 11 hour barrier. I know I'm capable of much more than that and this was just the fire I needed. I couldn't believe it was even still a possibility after the big goose egg I was laying on the run. That was it. I was a woman on a mission. No stops I was going to make something pretty out of this ugly run. I booked it into town through the masses of people screaming me on. It was an awesome, powerful and painful moment running down ali'i. There was a girl in my age group right in front of me and one right behind me so I didn't savor the run down ali'i as much as I wished I would but I did it. I was there and I broke into tears right then and there. I did it. I finished what I started. I accomplished this dream and I was and still am so thankful for the opportunity to compete in this sacred place amongst the best in the world. I'm so thankful for all the amazing people in Kona who embrace this race and spend 17 hours volunteering in the hot sun with a huge smile on their face the whole time. This is truly a special place and yesterday was a special day. One that I will never forget.

For once I was finally well enough to go back to the finish line for the party. My friends Katie and John came over from Maui and it was great to spend time with them and just hang for the last few hours. It really was a party. Mike Reilly is a complete nut with the towel he loves to fist pump, dancing down the chute and pumping up the crowd. I teared up over and over again watching other people's dreams come true at that finish line. The energy of the crowd was incredible.

And now I lay here in bed with my typical post race insomnia, dreaming of a huge lava java breakfast but too afraid to get my legs moving. Wondering what the future brings and wondering if this is really it; if I can be strong enough to be satisfied with accomplishing my dream and walk away. Time will tell. But that gnawing feeling of what could have been.... that run I COULD have had and the time I COULD have gone.... that is how the addiction is fueled. But I did it. I finished the Ironman World Championships with a huge pr (10:54) and wound up 19th in my age group. Not so bad for wondering if I even belonged here earlier this week. But what's most important of this entire journey is that I proved to myself I could do it.

And I did.

Tomorrow is the day I've dreamed of....

2011-10-07T15:55:00.002-04:00

Things are finally calming down here in Kona. The bags are nearly packed, the workouts and parties are done. All thats left to do is turn in my bike and gear this afternoon. Today I'm just focusing on resting, fueling and trying to gain some perspective on this whole experience. This week has gone by so fast but I finally feel ready for race day to be here.

We had torrential rains last night that even rained out the welcome dinner, but luckily we still got to see the story telling component with the hawaiian dancing and fire throwers. The culture and history here is so deep and so inspiring and the show last night was the highlight of the trip so far. Part of the story told in the dance was related to the theme this year "Ko aloha la ea"- keep your love. "No matter what obstacles come, keep your love. No matter what suffering you face, no matter who you are or where you come from, with love you can surmount anything."

http://ironman.com/events/ironman/worldchampionship/dawn-henry-describes-this-years-ironman-world-championship-theme#axzz1a7zGecwP

This morning Neil and I went for an Acai bowl (LOVE), some kona coffee (REALLY LOVE) and we sat out on the rocks in the energy lab and watched the ocean beat away at the lava rocks. I finally got a little vibe from the island; the sense of peace that I had been so desperately looking for since I've been here. I always feel most at home in a new place away from people, in nature; somewhere beautiful and inspiring that I can think and just be without any distractions. While the big island has plenty of those places, they are most certainly not along ali'i drive or in kona town during Ironman week.

I went over my race plan and just took in the soul of this place. The salty sea air, the hot sun beating on my back, the crystal blue water violently crashing into the black lava rock. The formation of land itself on the edge of sea. I asked God/Pele/whoever is up there with their finger on the controls of fate for safe passage through the lava fields, for an inspired race and to feel the love from all my amazing friends and family during each step of the way. Since then, I've had a great sense of calm. I'm less nervous than I've ever been for a race and I think its because the goal has already been met. I'm here, I'm living this dream and its time to execute, celebrate and do whatever it takes to find myself on ali'i drive at some point tomorrow night. I'm finally here, I'm ready to experience and enjoy this journey and I'm ready to face any challenges the day throws at me with one large smile on my face. One more sleep....

update from K Town!

2011-10-06T02:44:00.002-04:00

Cait Snow, me, Kelly Williamson. I have so many amazing pics to share but this will have to do for now! Preview of more awesomeness to come!

One thing I always wanted to know is what is it really like in Kona?

Well, frankly, its nuts. Its like one massive event with so many parties and occasions, people to meet, workouts to do. Sometimes its hard to believe at the end of this week I have an ironman to do! I've been balancing having fun and really taking this experience in while still trying to stay away from the hype a bit. It really does get crazy overwhelming in town during the day and it gets super hot!

I think the highlight of this whole experience so far really is the people you get to meet. I'm so so grateful that I started this blog and got on twitter, its connected me with some truly amazing people. Getting to hang out and workout with them pre ironman has been the highlight of my time here in Kona. Kind of feels like I'd like to prolong race day to keep enjoying all the festivities! But sometime in the next few days I need to find my exit strategy and just find some peaceful time to myself to really appreciate the enormity of racing here in Kona. I need some me time with the island away from the hype and away from family to get a sense of peace and to get a vibe from the ocean and the land here. That's what I'm craving most not just to get my race mindset going but also to really experience the big island.

Today I finally got to do the long awaited floating espresso bar in the ocena and it was as awesome as I had always dreamed. We even swam with a turtle on the way out and he was huge. Despite the rolling swell that has riled up the seas, he was calm as ever getting his gasps of air right on the surface next to us. I've seen, talked to and met so many pros, I've started to lose count of them all and the shock of seeing all the pros you always dream of meeting on a regular basis is beginning to wear off. I've eaten at least 50% of my meals at lava java, taking in the sea breeze and watching some good surf while enjoying the best coffee I've ever tasted along with a very yummy number of foods. I've ridden the queen k, run the energy lab and swam at dig me. We ventured out to Hawi and experienced the winds (they are seriously NUTS). I've gone to the slowtwitch party, registered for the race and been to every booth in the ironman village. I even gotten a replica of my lucky race hat which I lost over the summer (thanks tribike transport!). I've seen every new fangled model of bike, shoe, kit and gear possible and had so many freebies tossed my way (seriously, I've never been handed so much free schwag and even if it isn't handed to you, ask and you shall receive!) Its really pretty surreal and I'm just so grateful to be here among the world's finest athletes.

But as much as I feel a part of it all, I feel different too. I'm still feeling 100% confident about this being my one and only kona (that is, until I'm that awesome 80 year old grandma doing it in style!). This truly does feel once in a lifetime and I feel very satisfied with not having a race plan or schedule next year. Next year is about Neil and I, about living life, about setting new goals, about redefining me. But I sure as hell will miss this party and the incredible friendships it has brought!!!

48ish hours until the race of a lifetime and I can't wait. There's a lot of mental work to be done between now and then to get focused on the race amidst all this fun! One last tradition before focus time: the underpants run awaits in the morning. I'm ready to have complete ab envy :)

Pure Joy

2011-09-27T18:37:00.004-04:00

Neil's parents

Dad :)

Mom :)

Neil and I are both fortunate in that we have extremely selfless parents. Parents who were never handed anything in life and who worked extremely hard to raise a good family, provide for their families and to succeed in their careers. In so doing, Neil's parents and my dad sacrificed every bit of themselves and plenty of opportunities in life in favor of their children. That's why the fact that they are all taking the leap and coming to Hawaii with us is so incredible.

Yes, some of this road to Kona is most definitely self indulgent. Chasing personal dreams and goals to the level required to get to Kona most definitely requires a delicate balance of sacrifice with enough self awareness to avoid becoming too self absorbed in the desire for self realization. But if nothing else good comes of my journey to Kona, I am so incredibly fulfilled and happy that Neil's parents and my Dad are getting to take this trip to Hawaii. I can guarantee you, they would never have taken that risk on their own.

Neil's parents leave tomorrow and when I talked to my Mother in law tonight, I could almost feel her jump through the phone with excitement. For someone who has so selflessly dedicated her life to everyone else around her, its amazing to see and feel the joy she's having in going for it and taking this trip of a lifetime. I'm happy I could provide the excuse and the opportunity for her to do so :)

Life is short. Live boldly. Chase dreams. Take risks. Inspire others. Grab on tight and enjoy the ride....

A random disorganized mess of emotion and thought

2011-09-26T12:39:00.005-04:00

My favorite card ever! I think this might be a future tattoo :) love it. thanks kellie!

Is it possible to have the opposite of writer's block? I've had SO many blogs in my head I want to write I haven't even figured out where to start.

How am I feeling about Hawaii? Stunned. Am I really leaving on Saturday? Holy crap I have a lot to do. I'm having the urge to stop time and savor these last moments before I experience this dream but I would also gladly pay the big guy in the sky a handsome sum to fastforward to Saturday when we are on the plane to paradise. Anxiety. Gotta love it.

Since I'm so scatterbrained right now, here's my random flow of consciousness less than one week before leaving for Kona....

1. I started my mental training yesterday reading a book Blain and Julie gave me called "mind gym." So far its a great mental exercise to find the right mental state for success. For me, that always starts with staying focused on myself (and not other athletes...) and reconnecting with my joy and passion for the sport and for the human connection triathlon brings me. I'm in the process of revisiting lots of good stuff that I read before St. George and starting to work on exorcising out the negative self talk and doubts that start to creep in around this time before a race.

2. Speaking of negative self talk, I have to be honest. Training for Kona has been tough. I've been more tired than usual this summer. Maybe the doc was right about the long lasting fatigue from the pneumonia.... BUT to me that's not an excuse. And I'm not looking for an excuse! It is what it is but training has not been that solid smooth progression of fitness that I enjoyed before St. George and it affects my confidence. I'm working on not focusing on the "negative space." The negative space I've defined as those holes in my training that weren't supposed to be there. Those missed workouts that I perseverate on in my training log. I wouldn't classify myself as type A, but on the other hand, I tend to not like missing workouts and I've had to do it quite a bit this summer. I'm working on my mind's ability to focus on the POSITIVE space. Like, holy crap Libby, you've done a completely epic amount of training and had some huge breakthroughs so how on earth can you not be totally stoked about that?!!? (I'm envisioning myself shaking myself into reality while saying this to myself.....)

3. The next thought that comes after that is my reasoning that I have done plenty of work to ENJOY Kona. I've been thinking of it as a celebration, a party, the culmination of a dream and a journey. I've been reminding myself that 20 years from now it won't matter if I got 20th or 40th in my age group. What matters is that I soaked up the heart and soul of long distance triathlon in its birthplace. I think that's something I can't quite come to terms with until I'm actually on the big island (this weekend!)

4. I'm stressing about the underwear run. Not really, but really! I'm waiting on one more pair in the mail and debating on how conservative and/or crazy to go with it!!

5. Project gratitude has been going along well. I had a little shindig on Saturday night to thank all my friends for making this journey as powerful and fun as it has been. I certainly could have never achieved this dream without the many amazing friends that I have here and it was really great to get to tell so many people thank you all at once. I guess this is the true source of my writer's block- I've got so many stories to tell of all the amazing people in my life and all the wonderful things we've enjoyed on this journey to Ali'i drive. I could write 10 blogs just on Saturday night alone. I was so humbled to have so many friends come to send me off to Kona and I wanted to spend so much more time with everyone than I was able to. I am so so blessed. So here are a few more quick bits of gratitude to just a few of my awesome friends....

To Bill and Bryan to whom I owe every bit of my cycling legs. I have spent MANY hours staring hard at their seat stays just praying to not let them get away. If it weren't for them looking out for me on the roads and bridging me back up to the group all the time I would never be where I am today.

Thanks to all my amazing girls who are the most positive women I've ever met and who would drop their lives at a moments notice for each other in any time of need or joy. Each of you are such an inspiration to me and I would be lost without your love!!!

To Barbara for being the woman I look up to in finding such fulfillment peace and balance in her life. She made this beautiful lei by hand!! I WILL learn this from you when I get home and we have that glass (bottle) of wine!

To Roberta and especially Rob who has been my career, life and ironman mentor. There aren't enough thank you's for being taught the heart and soul of the sport. Everything I've learned about ironman, I've learned from Rob :) And he just finished climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro like two weeks ago. How cool is that?!

Ok... back to random other thoughts.... So many more people to thank.....

6. I'm breaking my habit of staying up packing all night before I leave and despite the fact that it was really mentally, physically and emotionally difficult to begin packing this early, I started piling up stuff last night. This week is going to be crazy wrapping things up at work, getting wko's in and getting set to go and I'm having visions of actually being able to enjoy Friday and Saturday without enormous loads of stress (we'll see how that one goes!)

7. The hay is officially in the barn and now its time to get everything ready to burn it down. Just a few more days until I hop on that plane.

8. I have a lot of reading to do and at the top of the list is this gem from Rob:

The preface reads: "To my wife and children and to the ghosts of all the Iron men and women past, present and to come, who will haunt the highway forever, searching for the perfect race they have already run."

And what made me cry when I read the inscription from Rob who's life dream is to do Kona. After 14 qualifiers and coming within minutes several times (oh and entering every.single.lottery since the lottery's inception) he still hasn't gotten his chance yet. But I know that its only a matter of time. But until then, Rob, this race is for you buddy :)

Project Gratitude: My Swim Hero

2011-09-18T19:42:00.003-04:00

I got to know Blain this year when he started coming down to ride with our awesome St. Augustine crew. It quickly became apparent that he was one of the nicest people I've ever met- and he's F-A-S-T! But he would never tell you that. He has to be one of the most modest people I've ever met. When race season started and he went to Miami 5150, he not only won his age group, he posted a sub 19 swim. Yes, 18:56. Blain can swim. Very fast.

I can't quite remember how our partnership started but somehow we became a team this summer and its been a blast. I can't keep up with Blain. Period. Not even close. So I felt bad initially as I didn't want to hold Blain back. BUT we've found a good synergy of modifying things so it works for him and for me.

I have a long love hate history with swimming. Since I started tri's, I've mostly just gotten progressively slower on my swims as I would lack motivation to really push in the pool. Years of getting yelled at by coaches and not fulfilling expectations kind of drains your love for the sport. I remember my high school coach telling me that once I turned 18 and finished high school season I could slack and not do sets any time I wanted (as he pointed over to the master's group). So far I've taken him up on that offer for the last 11 years pretty successfully.

Blain was quickly able to size up what I needed to work on and he knew just how to motivate me, when to get me to push hard and how to make it fun. I can't remember the last time I've enjoyed swimming this much or swam this fast. I'm still hot and cold, there are plenty of ugly workouts in there, but the breakthrough workouts he has pushed me to have been absolutely incredible.

So Blain, I want to thank you for all those early mornings. For all the laughs and all the hard work. You've helped me to slowly fall back in love with swimming and what's more you are an incredibly selfless friend and amazing athlete!! I'm going to do my best in Kona to snag a swim PR in honor of all your help!

Project Gratitude

2011-09-14T18:52:00.008-04:00

8th grade camp minikanni (left) and end of our junior year (right)

One of the first ways I fully experienced God in my life (or at least, a true belief in A God) was after the passing of my good friend Courtney. We were only 17 when we lost her and in the immense grief that followed her death, I found comfort in moments or places where I could feel that she was still near and still affecting my life from some other place.

Court and her little brother

Courtney loved butterflies. She wore a butterfly necklace pretty much all the time and without a doubt, they held some meaning to her in her short life. I will never forget sitting on the stairs of her home with her youngest brother who was struggling with Courtney's death during one memorial service. Courtney's mom, another friend and I explained to Kyle how Courtney was just like a butterfly and she had metamorphosed to another place- one in which we could not physically be with her again but yet she would continue on with us deep within our inner being and in our hearts.

Since then butterflies always remind me of Courtney. In some strange transcendental way, they are her reincarnation to me and somehow they always appear and linger near by during special or trying moments in my life. I will never forget nervously standing at the entrance to the Cathedral on our wedding day as two monarchs circled over my dad and I, flitting and intertwining themselves in the sunlight just above our heads.

I've been battling some demons of negatively and fatigue as of late. Hidden among the twinges of minor burnout from being an overachiever in every aspect of my life was a huge sense of guilt. I've finally accomplished this dream and now, on the brink of leaving for Hawaii, I'm not thoroughly fulfilled and enjoying every second of it? We all know that its nearly impossible to stay positive and enjoy every step of an ironman build up. Its hard. That's why we do it- for the addiction of overcoming these moments of weakness and transcending our personal limitations. But in some ways, I didn't expect to struggle with those challenges as much as I have this summer.

Yesterday the words of my ironman mentor keep playing through my mind "the main thing is for Kona and the weeks leading up to it to be the way that you have always dreamed of..."

Last night as I was watching my dog run through a small field on our street, I caught sight of a butterfly not too far away. I must have stood there for 10 minutes watching it as it danced on the breeze and moved from flower to flower, closer and further away from me. And I asked Courtney over and over again to give me the strength to really enjoy these weeks. To have a good attitude and savor every one of these anxious moments leading up to the race.

I woke up this morning with an immense sense of gratitude and I haven't stopped thinking all day of how many amazing friends and family members I have in my life that have helped me reach this dream and who have cheered me along the way.

I decided this morning to officially start project gratitude. My goal is to thank every person in my life (in person, by letter and on my blog) for supporting me, believing in me, picking me up off the ground when I never thought it possible to get back up again.... I am an extremely fortunate woman. And I am so very thankful. Every bit of these last 16 days before we hop on the plane begins with pure gratitude.

Tuesday Trainer Revelations part 1

2011-09-06T21:55:00.008-04:00

For some reason, I write the best blogs in my head when my heart rate is above 165. Its like a drug, I get this out of body type of perspective on my mental state and the closer I am to the race, the more profound the revelation. 31 days out and I'm seeing the beginnings of me sorting out my pre-race mental state....

I had two revelations while on the trainer tonight (while watching Larry the Cable Guy because I just needed to LAUGH and not take myself so seriously!)

Part 1: Managing Expectations

Since qualifying for Kona, I've had so many more people interested in my training and racing. Its really an amazing thing that people care so much and I have so many patients, friends and family eager to track me on race day. The funny thing is, the less people know about the sport, the greater the expectations they have for me. I find myself almost daily explaining to patients and co-workers that its not about how I place at Kona- its about the fact that I got there. I raced to beat people to get there and now once I'm there, well, racing in Kona is all about experiencing the birthplace and soul of the sport . I will be racing the top 50 women in the world in my age group in Ironman distance triathlon and the true success is being a part of that select group.

But slowly other people's expectations inevitably grind away at me over time. Having to constantly defend myself and reiterate that I'm honored to race Kona and I'm not looking for a top 10 or podium position inevitably leads people to give me that whole "you need to believe in yourself" speech. To which I get somewhat offended because I have believed in myself the entire 11 years that I've been in this sport chasing down the opportunity to race in Kona. Dreams are one thing, but when you are racing a world championship event, a heavy dose of reality is also needed and that's something that people around me less knowledegable about the sport don't have.

Suddenly I feel that I have to reveal more to others about my training and my goals and in return I receive judgements- positive or negative-regarding my goals for the race and my methods in getting there. Suddenly my training is under scrutiny, up for comparison by those who are less confident in themselves and feel the need to compare themselves to me. It's easy to take people's positive attention and turn it into a negative as they scrutinize a little closer than I'm used to or than I care for.

A few years ago I was just that unknown girl from St. Augustine. No one knew me around here and no one expected anything of me and I liked it that way.

I even got the comment (from an awesome girl who I admire greatly) that I "always rise to the occasion and race so well under pressure." Although meant as a compliment, I couldn't help think back to one of the basic fallacies in philosophy: just because the sun has risen every day before now does not mean that it will rise tomorrow. So what if I don't race well? How do I explain to all these people that racing Kona has nothing to do with how I place, who I beat or what time I go?

That's where learning to manage expectations is key. This is when searching within oneself and having deep conviction about my purpose in racing becomes paramount to meeting my definition of success. I'm not racing for anyone else but myself (and those friends who may never get a chance to compete on the hallowed ground of Kona). I have to continue to see in these expectations the joy that people have for me and not take to heart any overly zealous expectations they place upon me. The day that I ever race for any one else's expectations is the day that I will quit racing entirely. I can promise you that.

As for today, I've learned that I CAN manage people's expectations by looking deep within myself and holding my purpose for racing close to my heart.

a visit from the powerbar fairy

2011-09-04T19:33:00.002-04:00

I've had an amazing week of training- probably one of the best one's yet! Its finally cooled off here just a bit and there's a touch of fall in the air underneath all the heat. It's made me realize that my training has been going along better than I thought! I think the cumulative effect of training in the heat was just adding an extra notch of fatigue that I hadn't experienced before. But with a little cooler weather and possibly some help from these magic pills:

training has been rolling along very nicely. I'm not sure I remember one single week where I've had so much progress in all three sports! I heard from many people that powerbar's beta alanine was amazing stuff for recovery and I had been meaning to try it. I'm not much for pills (other than vitamins) but they do seem to help recovery quite a bit. Even if its just a placebo effect, I'm on board. At least until Hawaii!

The powerbar fairy also brought me a few other things to try which has made me a very happy girl out on the open roads!

I'm not sponsored by powerbar and I refuse to sell out my blog for advertisement but I have to say there are two things I've found that I love (other than those little magic beta alanine pills!) The vanilla protein powder rocks. Its the best tasting protein powder I've come across and with 4 different types of protein, it seems like a great post workout supplement. The smoothie powerbars are also really amazing. I haven't eaten a powerbar in years, kind of brings back memories of trying to force those things down for swim meets, but the smoothie flavored ones taste like taffy and my tummy loves them!

With 5 weeks to go, the reality of needing to get myself together for the trip is starting to hit home which has brought with it my usual nightmares about flying and about the race itself. All of which is making me excited because it means the trip is close now!

I have a patient who grew up in Kauai and she's taught me so much cool stuff about Hawaii in general. Its taken me a week, but I've finally nailed down the name of the state fish: Humuhumunukunukuapuaa. I repeat it many times daily so I don't forget :)

She's also lent me a really sweet book that I'm trying to finish before heading off to the big island!

Hawaii has always seemed like such a deeply spiritual place and I want to learn as much history as I can before I go so that I can really understand the culture and all the amazing things we will get to see when we are there. I truly believe you can't fully experience a new place without studying the culture.

5 more weeks!!! Well, 4 until we're on the plane :)

grow up and blow away

2011-08-30T19:02:00.002-04:00

I've always had a few broad goals in life. Nothing very specific, just guidelines that were established some time ago that defined a successful life. The first was to do something meaningful every day. To give part of myself to make other people's lives or the world a better place. I tried the bigger scale stuff dabbling in marine biology and conservation in my college days, but I quickly became disillusioned by the resistance to change the world at such a global level. Luckily when the time came to soul search and choose a career, Neil was there to help guide me towards Physical Therapy: a profession in which every day I sink my heart and soul into making people's lives better. Its as rewarding and giving a profession as it gets and I enjoy a deep satisfaction in knowing that in my life, I've made at least one person's life better for my efforts.

The second goal was to fall in love. True, maddening, life changing love. The second I laid eyes upon Neil for the first time, every bit of that wish was only starting to be fulfilled...

The third has always been more difficult to define but is best stated that I wanted to inspire people around me. This has been the most difficult area of life for me because, as I see it, I need to become the person I want to be in all areas of my life in order to feel worthy of truly inspiring others. There are so many aspects of myself that aren't nearly what would hope them to be in order to be a person worthy of inspiring others.

But with regard to this third goal, I found a realization this weekend. My brother in law James did his first Ironman in Louisville this weekend and I was surprised to find this on my facebook wall Saturday night:

"WANTED TO THANK YOU FOR THE GIFT OF "TRI". YOU HAVE HELPED ME CHANGE MY LIFE. I AM HOURS AWAY FROM MY START AND I AM WOUND UP TIGHT. IT IS AMAZING THE NERVES YOU GET BEFORE "IM" COMPARED TO ANY OTHER RACE. GOOD OR BAD IT IS HERE NAD NOW. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS I WANTED TO THANK YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KILL KONA"

I was so surprised that James saw things this way. I figured he found tri just as any of us did aimlessly meandering into this sport for all the intangible reasons that we do. But what I realized is that perhaps one way in which we inspire others is by simply doing what we do and being the best "me" we can be. Perhaps that is just an excuse to take a bit of the selfish aspect out of the tri journey, but maybe triathlon is just our manifestation of self fulfillment in one small aspect of our lives. There certainly is no more rewarding journey than setting what seems to be an impossible goal, chasing after it with all our hearts and minds and fearing not the outcome. Its the way we would love to live all parts of our lives but maybe are too scared to do. So whatever it is you choose to do in life, go after it with reckless abandon and passion and you just may somewhere along the way inspire someone else to do the same.

In recounting the experience of his first Ironman, James (who just learned how to swim last year) was pleasantly surprised when he hopped in the Ohio River and was totally comfortable the entire swim. Instead of constantly reminding himself of stroke cues to make sure he was getting his swimming right, he was totally relaxed and he starting singing a song that his son always sings. After he had enough of that he searched for another song to keep him company and long behold, the happy birthday song kept his mind busy the rest of his awesome 1:19 swim.

That got me thinking too. Its so interesting what we all think about as we train and race. This weekend I was thinking: "geez, I would much rather be on that beautiful head high A frame with perfect offshores right behind me:"

But I had to focus on Kona and sleep. No Irene surf for me, I was a good girl :)

For the most part, I have a soundtrack in my mind at all times; even just during the day at work or driving, music is always carrying me along. The song that has accompanied me the most these past few weeks I just had to share. I'm a sucker for vintage raw sounding guitar and haunting female voices with thought provoking lyrics. Metric has provided me with just that. Check this song out and don't judge the lyrics on first listen, they are more complicated and poetic the more you listen to the song ....

Come on Irene

2011-08-25T20:27:00.008-04:00

My dad always had a great appreciation for nature. He rigged up a car seat on the back of his red raleigh and between the ages of about 2-5, I would get to go with him on his weekend rides and check out other small towns (and their bakeries), farms, plants and animals while he got his workout in.

He loved to teach me about the world through nature too. I'll never forget him using an orange and a flashlight to teach me about the the earth's rotation and the cycle of day and night. There was a whole other category of love for weather though. I remember as a little girl sitting at the screen door (before we had air conditioning) and anticipating summer storms by calculating their distance counting the seconds between lightning and thunder. I guess that nostalgia is a small part of why its so exciting watching Irene brush our shores. Don't get me wrong- I'm not routing for mass destruction but the power of nature is pretty freaking amazing. We are already getting some outer rain bands and we are in for some more tonight into tomorrow. If this is the extreme outskirts of the storm, I can't imagine what the center is like!

Before work looking for signs of Irene on the horizon this morning:

After work I couldn't wait to get out and watch her skirt our coast. We had two rain bands come through during the day at work

Sea oats are bending over....

Oops. Stop licking the camera Brisbane

All the neighborhood was out to watch Irene make her appearance at sunset. She's still officially 800 some miles southwest right now but this is her outer edges filling in

Here comes the incredible sunset...

Getting home quick as the sun set and another quick rain band shot through. This one brought with it these crazy cool chilly winds alternating with our moist hot air. Super strange feeling! Should be a fun night!!

Attitude

2011-08-22T19:11:00.003-04:00

Our new posting on the bathroom mirror....

"I believe the single most significant decision I can make on a day-to-day basis is my choice of attitude. It is more important than my past, my education, my bankroll, my successes or failures, fame or pain, what other people think of me or say about me, my circumstances, or my position. Attitude keeps me going or cripples my progress. It alone fuels my fire or assaults my hope. When my attitudes are right, there is no barrier too high, no valley too deep, no dream too extreme, no challenge too great for me.” -Charles Swindoll

I have to admit, training this time around just seems a little harder. Its not seeming to flow as well as it did earlier in the year and I've been doing a lot of comparing to my St. George build. Don't get me wrong, I've had some amazing training and highlights where I had phenomenal days but there also seems to be more fatigue and blah days mixed in there as well.

I had my best ever longish run off a long bike on Sunday and I realized that I need to change my attitude. I'm being completely unfair to myself to compare now to the past. Of course its natural to do so, but by constantly comparing to the past, I'm missing the joy of now. Its so easy to look back on a successful build and think that it was so much easier and more perfect back when.... but the reality is if we only remembered the bad days, we probably wouldn't continue on in the sport. Looking back at past successes has the effect of looking through the past with rose colored glasses.

I've also realized that I just plain can't compare now to this spring because my life and the physical conditions are totally different. I went through a period without Neil's support as he was gone and the weather has been absolutely brutal. How on earth can I compare how I feel on a sunny beautiful mid 70 degree spring day with all these brutally hot 100-110 degree summer days?

So from here on out I'm changing my attitude. No comparing to the past. I'm only focusing on today and what needs to be done to get me to ali'i drive with a big smile on my face (and maybe a few tears).

I've got a little reminder from a patient on my desk as well :)

Family

2011-08-16T18:36:00.010-04:00

Not so smiley pic of Neil and I. For my jax buds, yup, Neil doesn't shave while he's off for the summer and I forgot to bring down the darn clippers to shave him so beard and hair it was.

Neil and his Grandfather who is a WWII veteran and Seabee

My awesome Russian cousins

When I first met Neil's Grandfather some 8 or 9 years ago, he told me something I will never forget. I was telling him how one day my ultimate goal was to live in Australia or New Zealand. This wise man whom I instantly respected very much for who he was as a person, the family he raised and for what he stood for in life looked at me with near disgust and told me that I don't want to be that far away from family. "Family is most important; one day you'll understand that."

I'm finally starting to get it.

We went to Miami this weekend for the wedding of Neil's cousin and in Appel family style, there was one enormous rental house where the majority of about 50 members of his family stayed and Neil was there waiting for me after 7 weeks of being apart (he has been down in the virgin islands working for his uncle to make money for our trip to Hawaii). Instead of sneaking off on a Saturday morning and trying to steal some training time, I put family first and as we sat all having breakfast together lingering and catching up with each other and playing with the kids, I couldn't imagine a more important place to be.

The wedding was an absolute blast. I don't remember the last time I had that much fun. I got to know my awesome Russian cousins so much better and my heart and mind were much more open to the amazing relationships and people in Neil's family without stressing about running off to get some training in.

I've always said that I don't know what I did to deserve Neil's love. He is an amazing human being and an example of selflessness that I look up to every day. But he comes from a family of people who are all equally as amazing and I've begun to realize that I've taken for granted how lucky I am to be a part of this extraordinarily tight knit family of incredible people. And when I finally let go of stressing about getting training in, I was able to fully be present and enjoy and share the massive amount of love that binds our family.

I was raised by my dad who was a single parent. After some traumatic stuff that happened leading up to his single parenthood, we developed an odd symbiosis: he spoiled me rotten and everything was always about me and I in turn worked my butt off to make him happy. My success and his happiness have always been fairly intertwined. But because of this, it was always about me in our family of two. Learning to get my priorities straight and not be so selfish is a lesson I'm continuing to learn at deeper and deeper levels. I'm glad I took the entire weekend off of training to get that straight. It was a weekend I will never forget and a huge realization for me. I might be a slow learner, but its better late than never.

Neil's Aunt (the bride's mom) and Cousins (bride's brothers)

Neil and Kata

4 generations of dance floor fun

Our nephew has perfected the worm

Mom in-law and nephew and Dad in-law with Aunt Bonnie

the beginning of the end

2011-08-08T19:49:00.003-04:00

There's a great short essay series on NPR call "this I believe." I've written many of these essays in my head during moments of inspiration over the years, but never actually penned one. I've had this one floating around in my head recently...

I believe in the power of reinventing myself. Of crumpling up all the little bits and pieces I once thought defined me, shaking them all up and rearranging them to slowly piece together a new definition of "me." Life is full of way too many dreams and opportunities to chase to be defined by one narrow interpretation of myself.

I've always been sort of a chameleon and I once thought this was a bad thing; that I wasn't self assured enough to have a concrete definition of myself. As I become older, I've learned to see my nebulous interpretation of my self and my life as an asset. It's a way of trying on many different lifestyles to see how they fit, learning from those lifestyles, and taking with me important lessons as I move forward in life.

I've tried on many different lives in my 29 years. Beach bum, bartender, semi-alcoholic, dead head, free spirit, professional, traveler, student, intellectual, writer, musician, surfer, runner, triathlete.... all of which have enabled me to see life through eyes of many different perspectives. Each lifestyle has, in it's own small way, helped to define who I am today. Somehow labeling myself any one title has always felt unnerving. As soon as life begins to orbit around any one definition, I get the overwhelming feeling that my soul is being detained and held captive by the assumptions people make about that particular lifestyle.

Take for instance, triathlete. Ironman triathlete. Say those two words together and suddenly there are visions of a type A driven personality; an obsessive drive for excellence or even perfection, a competitive spirit which cannot be contained and a lifestyle of dedication, perseverance and even stubborn adherence to the "lifestyle." There's some negative connotations that go with it too. Selfishness, obsessiveness, compulsion to exercise to the max and maintain a strict diet. I could go on... The stereotype of the "ironman triathlete" is one that has followed me since I began my mission to re-qualify for hawaii in earnest just about 3 years ago. Its a definition I've worn more proudly than some others as many parts of it fit my personality more closely than other lifestyles I've tried in the past. But its been interesting how wearing one lifestyle so closely these past few years has caused people to make assumptions about me that just plain aren't true. And I suppose that's one of many factors that drives me to reinvent myself and to start anew. I never want to be defined by any one stereotype and I've always aimed to transcend any stereotype that people would want to impose on me.

Although this journey to achieve one of my life's major goals (qualifying for Ironman Hawaii) has brought me such a deeper knowledge of myself and my physical and mental limits, a huge part of me knows that its over come October 9th. So I can't help but wonder what comes after that. I know one thing for sure, it will be the end of a great spiritual, physical, emotional and mental journey for me. One that has possibly taught me more about myself than many other paths that I've been on; but I also know that there are many other parts of me screaming to be heard and discovered beneath the physical and emotional exhaustion of pushing myself to the limit each and every day.

Come October 9th will I still be a triathlete? Yes. I know that part of me will always be a triathlete; but I also know in my heart that its time for the triathlete to take a back seat. So as I count down to my first Kona, there's a tinge of sadness in knowing that it will also likely be my last. I would never rule out that someday in the future I will return to the sport in hopes of returning to Hawaii. I'm sure after the race this year, I will want that to happen sooner rather than later. But when I'm honest with myself, I know that each day of this journey to Kona is bittersweet because its one of the last times in my life that I will dedicate this much time and energy to training. So I plan to soak up every step of the way and train my tail off because I'm treating this build as if it were my last. It just may very well be.

But each day is a step closer to living the dream that I have dreamt for oh so many years so the sweet far outweighs the bitter. There's still an ironman world championship to enjoy at the end of these tough few weeks of training and I plan on celebrating every step of the way- but until then, I will most certainly not apologize for continuing to find my limits and push myself to the brink of what I can handle. This is the essence of the journey for me: transcending the limits that I once imposed upon myself.

An epic second week

2011-08-07T18:00:00.004-04:00

Super disgusting but a testament to how much my body hates heat. I get hives/welts on my quads after any significant workout in the heat. Awesomely H-O-T :)

This week was huge. Dirk has delivered some massive training weeks and again brought me to a level of training I would never have imagined I could handle and it feels so good! I had my longest ride I have ever done today (131 miles!) after a 100 mile bike/10 mile run yesterday AND had my longest training run in almost 8 years on Monday night (read on for that story). I survived the heat better than last week on my t-run yesterday although its still been painfully hot here. The heat index on yesterday's run was 104 degrees. BUT I'm learning to keep my heart rate down and conserve energy in the heat. Although I know its great Kona training, I kind of wish the heat training was for specific workouts here and there rather than for every single workout. At the end of today's ride when we stopped for a light, it literally felt as if you I was baking in the sun, the heat actually almost hurt.

My swims this weekend didn't happen (sorry dirk). Yesterday the heat got me too much and today as I rolled up to the pool, thunder closed it down. I don't have the luxury of a pool or master's workout early in the morning on weekends which leaves me racing to the pool before 5:00 and often not getting in a super workout because the pool is (you guessed it) hot as hell. Nothing like 88-90 degree pool temps, 105 degree heat index and a latex cap just to keep all that heat in. I'm looking for a solution to this problem since I often have swims on the weekends, but I'm hoping not to have to make the hour drive to Jacksonville to make it happen. Its a work in progress.

So, the story of the 20 miler Monday night..... This one is good and possibly too much information so if you're squeamish, stop here. I wanted to share this though because, as we all know, training isn't always sunshine and daisies....

Monday during the day my stomach was a little off, I would get really full with very little food and I just figured it was a little hangover from all those antiobiotics I had been on. I was all excited to start my run and made it only about 3 miles before having a distinct and awful kind of diarrhea (which was listed as a side effect on the label of the omincef I had finished almost 2 weeks ago). I used to have bad problems with this on my long runs all the time so I figured it was the return of old gut issues and that my stomach would turn it around after this happened. So I forged on.

Around mile 5-6, I could see the storm clouds moving in. Not good. It started to drizzle, then pour. I mean tropical storm, super heavy driving rain you can't see through. No worries, everyone loves a good run in the rain. Besides, running in the rain was way better than my t-run the previous day in 109 degree heat. I was content as long as there was no lightning or thunder to contend with, I was safe. I made my way downtown and the streets and sidewalks began to flood. I was running through ankle deep water and the cars trying to pass through the flooded roads would actually cause waves up into the standing water on the sidewalk. I started to laugh at myself realizing how ridiculous I was to run through this. Certainly a testament to how much I hate the treadmill :) Anyone who saw me must have thought what a moron I was. But I was already wet so what's the difference now? Around mile 9 I hit the top of the Vilano bridge and it was just at that high point in elevation that the lightning started. Now I was not only stupid but just plain scared. I made my way into vilano at record pace because it was time for diarrhea round 2. My stomach was out of control painful, my feet and legs ached and I was soaked to the bone. I almost broke into tears. I was very closely approaching type 3 fun. I sat on the toilet and broke down. Why do I do this to myself? I had a lot of questions to myself during that moment and all I wanted was Neil to come pick me up, but he's not even here still. There was a lot of pity on that potty.

I recollected myself and realized I had succeeded at running exactly 10 miles away from home and with no phone in the driving rain, I had no choice but to run back and suffer through more of the same. Two more painful stomach episodes and the rain finally stopped around mile 14. Just in time for every passing car to spray me with copious amounts of dirty flooded street water.

I eventually made it home. Sick as a dog, super freezing from being out in the rain and aching everywhere. I attempted to stomach some chocolate milk and force myself to eat with little success and proceeded to have the longest night of my life. Amazingly though, I woke up the next morning and my legs weren't bad at all. They actually felt not so sore! But my intestines. Wow. My intestines were so so sore.

So that's the story of my first Monday night 20 miler. Epically painful but done. I tried to keep it positive on a rough day but after a searingly hot 109 degree run on Sunday and a torrential downpour on Monday I was half expecting to get chased down by locusts on my next run on Wednesday. Luckily that one never materialized.

Week 3 awaits :)

Kona Week 1 :)

2011-07-31T16:49:00.003-04:00

It feels so good to say it, I'm actually finally really training for Kona.

When I got my schedule last week I was pretty doubtful about my ability to step up to what Dirk had written but he told me to just keep it playful, listen to my body and stop if it wasn't right.

To my great surprise, I was able to handle much more than I thought this week and it all felt surprisingly good. I still kept it pretty cautious and missed a bike or two mid week in order to have a solid night's sleep mid week (11 hours!) and make sure I wasn't digging too deep a hole too early. I still had some mornings where my chest felt tight but in the last 3 days, I haven't had to use any albuterol and I've felt 99% normal. With one safe week under my belt, its really time to start turning up the training for Kona. I can't believe that one week ago I rode 3 hours and then wound up sleeping for about the next 15 and now this week I've pretty much gotten back into the swing of ironman training. I'm so grateful to have the time I do have to get ready for Kona.

Since I've started working with Dirk, I've only done one 15 mile run (yup, even for my St. George build up) and I knew someday when he felt I was ready for it, I would see a big run on my schedule on a Monday night. Well this week is it! Tomorrow night is a 3 hour run and I'm so excited to get some solid long runs in this summer to get that run split down to where it should be. To accomplish that I will have to overcome my history of major nausea during my IM marathon but I tried out something new today (on my 109 degree hour long run off the bike):

I am in LOVE with these!!! I can't believe how tasty they are and my stomach seems to like them but my stomach also liked EFS before not tolerating it in St. George. My list of food aversions post ironman is growing longer each race I do...

Success

2011-07-22T20:27:00.007-04:00

Pike's Peak 2008

Some days success is a huge victory like a graduation or having the race of a lifetime and some days success is just getting out of bed and getting through the day- like most of the last two weeks or so.

After some more tests on my lungs, my doc determined there is zero fluid left and despite some residual inflammation, I'm a-ok to slowly return to training. Today I swam 1500 yards straight with lungs that felt clear as day. Not a single cough or feeling of breathlessness- and that was the sweetest success I could ever imagine at this point of my training.

Now that today kind of felt like Kona day 1, I'm looking ahead to the next 11 weeks knowing that its going to be a monumental task of training to get myself where I need to be. It sort of feels like standing at the base of mount everest looking up to the summit and knowing exactly what it takes to get to the top. I know I will get there one step at a time but being healthy enough to train is one enormous step closer to the start line at Kona.

I know somewhere under the sluggish fatigue there exists a good base of fitness ready to be built upon safely, slowly and methodically. Good thing I have just the man to get me there in the best condition possible (healthy AND fit!) Dirk brought me from stress fracture to Kona qualifying in less than a year and I'm so grateful to have such an awesome coach in my corner to get me to peak fitness and health for the race of my life :)

Home

2011-07-19T18:52:00.010-04:00

The view flying over Tampa Bay packed with disorganized urban sprawl, pretty barrier islands and winding estuary through the marshlands

And the perfectly parceled out farmland over the midwest sparse, organized, geometrical, plain farm fields...

Growing up in Wisconsin, you are raised with an innate appreciation of nature. Of all its force on those miserable blizzardy cold winter days, of all its obstinance during long springs where the warm weather never seems to come and of all its tremendous beauty on the special days when the weather is indescribably perfect. Summer is always a special time at home and no one takes for granted a single beautiful day. Life is about being outside and the culture reflects it. Every weekend is a celebration, a festival, outdoor concerts in the park, summerfest, germanfest, italianfest, harvest festival, state fair, county fair, strawberry festival..... The list goes on. I suppose its all those good memories that go with good weather that drew me to the eternal sunshine of Florida but a huge part of me misses the culture, the people and the simplicity of home. I suppose in a major way, my appreciation for being outside fostered my love of triathlon. I will never forget my first triathlon on one of those first beautiful spring days. I remember flying down the road and looking around myself filled with the greatest sense of joy; a joy I had never felt while racing before.

Going home this weekend was a great mini vacation with lots of rest and only small bits of remorse that I wasn't racing. Things about home that I miss....

GREEN!!! Everywhere is GREEN!!! I miss laying in the backyard and hearing the rustle of the maple leaves on the summer breeze

I miss the well groomed rails to trails project right through downtown Cedarburg with old rail bridges beautifully maintained and pedestrian/bike friendly

The charm of a pretty little creek and its dam which turns into our favorite ice skating spot in winter

Downtown thoroughfares with locally owned businesses and every possible combination of carmel apple imaginable

Victorian era government structures with more beautiful greenery

Local coffee shops with tasty organic meals and lots of local flavor (this is where I had my very first coffee :) love at first taste!)

Fields of wildflowers and grass and yes... even ragweed

GARDENS! Everywhere a garden or garden store....

And beautiful mid 1800's homes perfectly restored all with patriotic signs of Americana sans nasty divisive political statements

Good old Wisconsin sense of humor and a sense that pretty much everyone knows everyone where ever you go (ironic isn't it? I used to HATE that!)

My dad's neurotic sheltie....

I attempted to do a little exercise this weekend (MD approved) but didn't get too far. 2k in the pool was enough and my attempt at running didn't get me very far. I got lightheaded and dizzy after only a mile and then walk/jogged the other mile back home. I didn't expect miracles but I also didn't think I would still feel hypoxic after finishing the meds. Apparently my doc didn't like that either so I had some more tests done today and we will see what the plan is when we find out the results. I think its just going to take some time to get my lungs back to 100%. I'm slowly getting more energy back and feeling less exhausted but I just wish I knew there was an endpoint to this illness. A day on the calendar I could mark and know I would have my lungs, aerobic capacity and health back. But life doesn't work that way so I just have to be patient. And rest....

Sunrise Find

2011-07-14T21:15:00.007-04:00

I've come to love my sunrise walks on the beach since I've been sick. I love starting off in the dark, no one is around and the world is so peaceful and quiet. Surrounded by the loudness of the ocean that I can just barely see as I walk along the water's edge.....

Slowly the light filters in over the ocean and the world comes into view as Brisbane and I head towards the pier.

Today as I got to the pier, something came into view in the water. I couldn't quite make it out at first

But as I sat and watched the tide roll out, it was clearly a bike. There was not a soul around who appeared to be looking for it so I decided to fish it out of the water.

And much to my surprise it was a pretty nifty little beach cruiser.... I sat and debated. Was someone looking for this bike? But no one was around and there was no license or markings on it....

So Brisbane and I cruised it home! It felt so good to bike again :)

And Brisbane appreciated running again for the first time in a week or two.... It's true what they say on those tour de france commercials. You'll never forget the first time you rode a bike, that feeling that you are flying. It was fun to fly again- especially down the beach on my newly rescued ride.
And the sun continued to rise. And the day went on....

Searching for homeostasis

2011-07-12T18:42:00.010-04:00

1 week down and today is the first day I felt like myself again. I have more energy, I'm breathing better, and getting through work isn't as much of a drain on my body. I've been enjoying sunrise walks with the dog on the beach, relaxing and catching up on all the little tasks in life that get ignored when time doesn't permit. What I desperately miss the most (other than Neil who is off working and making money for our hawaii trip) is just feeling healthy. You know that awesome balanced feeling when you are fit, healthy, have great energy levels and your body is just in balance? Yea, I miss that a lot. I can't wait to have my body back and I can't wait to get off all this medication, particularly the steroids. I'm finally tapering off of them but I'm not a big fan of anything that disturbs my fragile endocrine system- and the steroids most certainly do just that. I keep reminding myself that my doc put me on all this crap because of how sick I was when I came to see him last week.

I am starting to feel well enough to stress a little bit about my body being ready to handle some training soon. I will be off the antibiotics friday and done with the steroids sunday so I'm hoping to at least hop in the pool and just move this weekend while I'm at home in Wisconsin. MOVE. Not train. I may have to hop in my dad's lane and just harass him for fun :) I think I'm doing about as well as could be expected right now, but I'm truly hoping that my body heals up pretty well in the next two weeks. If I'm rested and don't push it too much, things should be right on track for Kona training but I'm already a little concerned about differentiating fatigue from my illness and fatigue from training. The doc told me I could be tired for a few months from this, but I'm tired all the time so teasing that out and getting in enough training without overdoing it could be a trick.

I haven't rested this much in a long time and I'm hoping it pays off in my recovery. I barely got off the couch this weekend. In fact, if Brisbane hadn't needed food, I wouldn't have left the house at all. Its amazing how many hours there actually are in a weekend. I became acutely more aware of how long a weekend can be when its spent immobile without Neil's company.

Backing off for a week has had its positives though. I'm fairly sure that if I do this comeback thing right (when its time....) that I may actually fair better than I would have otherwise as I'm sure my body needed the rest. I've also had a lot of time to relax, think, read and just generally step away from the triathlon focused life I tend to adopt when training for an ironman. I'm getting my priorities straight again and I've begun to dream up a lot of exciting new life goals unrelated to triathlon which is an awesomely healthy thing for me and for Neil and I.

I just have to keeping repeating my new mantra.... One day at a time.....

The Dream

2011-07-09T08:24:00.005-04:00

Before each ironman I've done, I've always had "the dream." It usually begins with some pre race crisis of something I've forgotten. Occasionally in the middle, the race itself takes a nonsensical turn through some remote forest or I get lost or end up in some jungle store in the middle of costa rica just praying to get to the finish line (I have pretty convoluted dreams)... But the end is always the same. There is a finish time that sticks with me when I wake up and its accompanied by waking with this immense sensation of joy, satisfaction and excitement.

The first time I had this dream before IMCDA, I dreamt I went 12 hours. While it wasn't the time I was hoping to go, I awoke totally elated for accomplishing my first IM finish. Lesson being that no matter the time outcome, accomplishing this goal was going to be a joy unlike any other I had experienced. I ended up going 11:22 and finishing was even more fulfilling than I could have dreamt.

Before St. George, I dreamt that I went 11:10 and this time, my dream was almost dead on target with my 11:13 finish.

Well, somehow last night I had that dream about Kona. Why now? I have no idea. I usually have the dream during a build period or when I'm getting close to tapering. But instead I had it now, when I'm grateful for just getting out of bed and walking down the street and back. Pneumonia is that exhausting, its not much fun. My brain was most definitely keeping it positive and optimistic as I dreamt I went a 10:15 last night (after what seemed like a full hour of pre race panic where I was unable to locate my body glide or salt sticks and all the pre race vendors had packed it in already. Nothing like pre race stress 14 weeks before the big day).

Having to sit back and take some time off has already given me a good dose of perspective. Instead of being so focused on the coming training build, I'm more focused on regaining my health and I've had more time to appreciate my good fortune that I GET to race Kona and that I GET to go experience this race that I have dreamed about for so many years. Nothing is going to take away from that experience, no matter what happens. My illness now is just forcing me to get 100% healthy and its slowly filling up the motivation bucket for when I'm able to return to training. Whether I go 10:15 (maybe a someday time...) or 17 hours, I know one thing for sure. I'm going to have a damn good time and appreciate every step of that hallowed ground in Hawaii. There's just quite a bit more sleeping and healing to be done before that journey will begin in earnest. Back to the couch.... sigh....

Training and Racing Hiatus

2011-07-07T19:59:00.004-04:00

I've slacked on blogging on my training these past few weeks because my workouts have varied between mediocre and bad lately. My legs were heavy, breathing was rough and it just felt as if I wasn't recovering well or responding to even a low load of training. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and even became convinced it was all in my head and I just lacked the motivation to pull off two ironman's in one year. I took it day by day, skipping workouts when it just didn't feel right and continuing to listen to my body but I just wasn't getting a clear answer until Tuesday. I hopped on the trainer after work and I just couldn't hit my watts. My legs felt like cement and my breathing was so labored. I just couldn't get a breath in. I felt like my heart rate should have been 190 for the effort my breathing was taking but alas, it was fairly normal. I quit on the workout and went to bed feeling defeated and exhausted after just 45 minutes. If there's a workout I don't ever quit on, its always the trainer.

I slept 11 hours and couldn't get myself to swim Wednesday morning. I was just so exhausted and at work I was having a hard time breathing and talking at the same time. I finally called the Doc figuring something had to be wrong with me; that I was anemic or had some sort of vitamin deficiency going on. Boy was I shocked when we saw that my oxygen saturation was only 94%. Normal for a healthy person, especially an athlete, is 100% so 94% is inexplicably low for me. Long story short after spending some time getting breathing treatments and almost an hour at the doc as he walked me around the clinic monitoring my sats (which went back up to 99-100%), he decided that I have pneumonia much to my surprise and in addition to that, the inflammation I have in my lungs is preventing me from getting good air in. I'm not allowed to race Racine and he assured me that I'm a very ill girl. I left the office with 12 days of steroids, 2 antibiotics and a prescription for a breathing treatment machine. I've never been on this many medications in my life, and my doctor is a personal friend who is fairly conservative with the prescription pad.

While I'm surprised that I'm really this sick, I think we still caught it just as it was coming on. After getting a lot worse last night into this morning, the meds seem to be kicking in and I feel a little more normal today but waking up last night hardly being able to breathe was pretty scary. I could get air in so much better after one dose of the steroids but my lungs were so sore this morning, I felt like I had done and ironman in a smokey bar. Its crazy how fast your body can take a turn for the worse and how fragile our health really is.

I'm not disappointed about not racing next weekend really. To be honest, I'm glad to have an answer to what was wrong with me and I'm focused right now on getting healthy before anything else. The way I had been feeling, I was somewhat convinced that I was in for either a poor performance or a DNF at Racine unless a serious dose of race day magic struck.

I slept until almost 2:00 today and got to catch up on a little TDF and ITU while semi conscious after that. A few observations from the couch:

I have a much greater appreciation for ITU racing after watching Macca get dropped at Kitzbuhel. Yea, he won an IM 2 weeks before so no one expected much but who thinks of him as a bad swimmer? I was so surprised to see him off the back nearly last out of the water and then unable to even catch the race on the bike.
I've seen two athletes throw their bikes today (one in the TDF and one at Kitzbuhel). Really? Even on your worst day, you are a professional athlete and you are lucky someone is paying for that $8,000+ bike.
Alistair Brownlee is a monster. His dominance is unbelievable. But even better than his physical performance is his awesome attitude and coolness under pressure.
I'm totally going to bike around France one day.
Laying on the couch and being a spectator today was strangely satisfying in my current condition
Watching my dog twitch in her dreams is really interesting and having the downtime to appreciate things like cuddling with the dog on the couch is a blessing in disguise

onward and upward....

Getting Started

2011-06-30T07:56:00.003-04:00

I know this is long, but when you have 10 minutes and you need a laugh, you have to watch this cartoon. I remember watching this many times as a kid and I loved it so much! After much internet searching I finally found it! Thanks youtube!! This cartoon pretty much describes to a "t" exactly how my training has been going thus far....

Since having such a great race at St. George, starting up training for kona has been one false start after another. I had a beautiful 3 week build planned up to last weekends sprint and after a heavy first week, I missed the second key week and ended up with a short and sweet race prep week before a race that never really happened.

Flash forward to this week and I was ready to put that all behind me and get to work but Dirk was a bit behind on getting my schedule. Instead of being a big girl and taking care of my own training for a few days, I decided to be completely lazy and do almost nothing at all. That's probably the biggest misconception people have about me- that I just can't stop training or that I'm an exercise addict. In reality (in true gemini form) I'm all or nothing. Either I'm pushing myself to the brink or just completely sitting on the couch. I'm actually a really lazy person in all reality. Put a training plan in front of me though and I will drill myself to the max.

I had a good chat with Dirk yesterday about my frustrations on getting started and he had good perspective on it and told me "We need those “down times” to get motivated for the “up times”...look at me. 6 weeks no running and or biking and now with 3 weeks of run and bike trying to do a sub 10 IM next week. Mind over Matter...."

Very true. Now with schedule in hand and a solid run this morning, I'm ready to really get started. With only a short time to Racine, we will see what happens. Then Kona training REALLY starts after Racine. For real this time :)

A successful disaster?

2011-06-26T16:26:00.002-04:00

The one and only picture from today's race:

I left my in-law's house just after 3 am to make the almost 2 hour drive to the race this morning. As I got closer to Clearwater Beach I could see lots of lightning in the distance but it didn't phase me. Typical Florida lightning and thunder that will blow over in a few moments. I got to the race and nervously racked my bike on the "pro" rack. There's something about that... can't they mark it "elite/pro?" I was relaxed about the race but just more unnerved about my competition. I started to really wonder if I belonged putting my bike next to people like Nina Kraft and ITU star Kailand Cosgrove.

After getting my transition area set, the thunder and lightning started getting more frighteningly close and I bolted for the car and waited out a pretty heavy rain shower. Around 6:15 it stopped and I headed down to the beach to peer out to the start and there were no buoys set up, just a few stragglers on the beach, some lifeguards and some pretty intense lightning. I was about to start my walk down the beach when Nina Kraft came up behind me and struck up a conversation which was pretty cool. Towards the start of the race a newsperson came over and took our pictures and names which was kind of surreal. I felt like I should step out of the picture of Nina who was most obviously going to be the winner on the day.

After about an hour of delays and waiting out storms that seemed to be all around us, they finally cleared us to get in and warm up. The gulf felt like a hot tub at 89 degrees. I was still mildly sketched out about swimming as there was some serious lightning and thunder still around us. Our wave of 19 and under (with all kinds of USA ITU kits surrounding us, yikes!) and elite toed the line just about to get started and just as we were putting on our goggles and jockeying for position, the announcer came on and stated that the race had been changed to a swim/run. Really?!?! I didn't know what to think. At this point, this whole past three weeks has just felt so odd and out of synch, it kinda seemed to fit. I was already exhausted from driving all the way to the race, getting all excited to race and then waiting a whole extra hour so I was ready to get done whatever this race was going to be.

The gun went off and this little sprint swim was physical the entire way. I figured it would calm down after the first turn but nope. I had one girl on me actually grabbing my entire thigh and pulling me back. Really? I totally get being physical and aggressive on the swim but come on. I stopped at one point and moved over to the inside because I was so over getting manhandled. I tried to think about my turnover and going all out since the race would be so short, but I was more consumed with wanting to get out of the wrestling match. I was happy to hop out of the water but soon realized that I forgot to tie a string to my speed suit zipper and my inflexible shoulders were not going to help in getting this thing off. The run to transition was long and there was a volunteer adamantly pointing the way. I stopped in front of him and asked him to unzip me. Only thing was I had to stand there patiently and ask three times before he realized what I wanted. That seemed like forever. Oops. Good learning before wearing it in Kona.

As we got into transition the rain started anew. I was very disoriented doing things out of order and I fumbled through getting my soaking wet flats on and took off.

The first part of the run came back around on the beach for about a half mile and parts of the sand were soft enough to slow you up. I felt pretty good but my legs were kinda confused about missing the whole biking part. The rain started coming down even harder with more lightning and thunder to keep it interesting. The race was already a super soggy mudfest so the driving rain was just the icing on the cake. I kind of like running in conditions like that, it makes you feel extra tough.

There were enough turn arounds for me to see that I was running in 5th and I was catching 4th pretty well in the last mile. With about a quarter mile to go I was right on her heels and I sat for a minute. I didn't feel like I had the push to duke it out with her if she went with me so I gathered my energy and made my move. I was really relieved to see she didn't come with me and I finished the world's shortest aquathlon (is that the word for it?) in 31 something minutes with a 20:34 5k. Not too super horrible and a better run than I thought I would have in me.

I kinda feel like I cheated not biking and I'm resisting the urge to take my bike down A1A for a quick 13 mile TT just to complete my day but I gotta let it go. Things happen like this. The race director made the right call and in retrospect, it was pretty amazing we got any sort of race off in those conditions. Had we been on the bike, there would have surely been a lot of accidents with the rain, wind and 3 steep bridge descents.

I was super happy with 4th place out of 10 elite girls and I definitely surprised myself although I wonder how it would have turned out if we would have done the entire race. The other girls told me I won $200 for 4th place but we will find out when I get the check in the mail- awards was cancelled after lightning almost blew out the PA system. What a day.....

an open letter to my friend before his ironman

2011-06-23T19:44:00.000-04:00

Also titled "don't quit before you start."

It takes guts to follow your dreams; to put it all on the line and bare your heart and soul with the ever present potential for failure. I know in the past I've struggled with giving up before I even started- meaning that I cushion my ego and prepare to fail so that I make it ok to do so if I decide to give up in the race. This way, it doesn't hurt so bad if I don't make my goal because deep down, I let the goal go before I even started. My awesome friend who is doing an ironman in just a few weeks sent me a concerning email and I could tell he was doing the same to himself. He had just had a bad race only a few weeks before his "A" ironman race.

Here is what I wrote to him:

ok. here's the deal.

I don't think you should have raced last weekend. I wanted to say so, but I didn't. No matter what, even if it was a training day, I knew it would mess with your head. The bottom line is everyone feels like shit and doubts themselves two weeks before a major race like an ironman. This is where you have to rely on yourself and trust your body and your training. You have to trust that your body is absorbing the training load and getting ready to race, but it isn't ready just yet. This is when you have to train your mind with positive thoughts and find some way, ANY way to get the negative out of your mind.

(Annonymous athlete), you are my twin from across the country and I just know that you are just like me. I dwell on past failures and before a race, I will prepare myself to fail so that it doesn't hurt so bad. I tell myself this shit isn't important. I'm going to have kids and save the world and do all kinds of other great things.... and focusing on that is my way of putting the enormity of the coming race day in its place. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, unless its your way of preparing yourself for failure. The problem with this line of thinking is that you never give yourself the opportunity to SUCCEED. Its ok to be alright with never making a goal, but if your mind is preventing you from a breakthrough performance that your body is capable of well.... then thats just a total shame.

I held back on my blogs before IMSG for the same reason. I didn't want the pressure or the attention. I doubted myself big time and I started to go to this negative place where I felt ok with failing because I couldn't stand the heartache of putting my heart and soul on the line for this goal only to fail again. I held my cards close to my chest (best ani difranco song ever: "i hold my cards close to my chest, I say what I have to and I hold back the rest...")

But I started to write and get to the depths of what I was really feeling, and I realized that deep down, I didn't want to give up on the race or hold back. I was just afraid. Afraid of what it would feel like to fail, afraid of the pain, afraid of the pressure, afraid of myself. I wrote and wrote and wrote until I could come further in touch with why I do this sport and what I love about it. Even when I didn't believe in the why's I was producing, or the why's I had previously written, I keep repeating them to myself. Even if only half my heart would listen.

And slowly but surely my mind came around to the positive. I stopped focusing on a time or on kona or on any other extraneous bullshit that I couldn't control like the water temperature or getting a flat. I just focused on me. My body, my mind, being happy, staying in the moment. This moment, right now is all you have and all you can control. Do not let the past or the future bog you down in your build up to the race or during the race. Now is all we have.

Focus on what you can control and don't dwell on the time goal or the kona goal. Your dreams are meant to inspire you, not haunt you. Let those rigid goals go and be playful. Have fun, enjoy the experience just like you did in your last ironman. Expect things to go wrong and remember how you deal with them is what makes you the person you are. Ironman is the little microcosm of life, all the joy, the pain, the suffering and emotions that life can offer all on one day. At least lets enjoy the ride. Just promise me that :) When your heart and soul are in it, thats when the race day magic happens. But it can't happen without that joy of racing, and I know you still have that joy in you. So go find it!!!!

getting out of my comfort zone

2011-06-21T06:26:00.006-04:00

At the start line of the last sprint I did in May 2010.... with a stress fracture

I made a last minute decision to race in Tampa this weekend. I made this decision partly because of the chance of smoke here in northern florida and partly because it would be nice to get away and do something different. Oh yea, and I saw this race had some prize money. So I thought, hey why not? After I registered for the elite/open division I had this panic attack wondering what the hell I was doing, but the Morton Plant Mease Sprint Tri gives one of those unique opportunities for age groupers to step up and race at another level. They give prize money 5 deep and only 6 girls are registered from what I can tell so hey, you can't win if you don't try.

So now I need to try and get out my comfort zone to find something I think I may have lost... SPEED!

When I asked Dirk to coach me initially, I didn't ask him to help me PR my 5k, 15k or half marathon. I asked him to help me qualify for Kona. While my endurance and distance fitness has improved beyond belief, some of my shorter distance run times have stagnated. I've learned many lessons these past few years and one that I'm learning now is that you can't have it both ways. Last year when I had the stress fracture, I was doing massive volume and intensity. Believe it or not, it was the intensity that did me in as far as getting overtrained and injured. The volume I'm doing now far surpasses anything I did last year. And I'm healthy. That's an awesome thing. But my shorter distance run times for the year were consistently about a minute off of last year's PR's and running a minute off those PR's sure hurt ALOT more than it did last year.

Doing a sprint this weekend is going to be a great challenge to get out of my comfort zone and it will also be my first time ever (and quite possibly last....) racing in an elite division so I should have plenty of reason to push and chase hard. Unless I totally get dropped and give up. But that's not an option!! I'm so excited to race this weekend and I hope that I can find my fast amidst all my longer distance training!!

Time to channel last year's speed! I hope....

coke and a smile

2011-06-19T19:25:00.007-04:00

Bird watching and biking at the same time....

BLUE SKIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm finally slowly starting to kick the cold that shut down my training all last week and this weekend I could breathe just enough to get some training in again. We traveled down to south florida this weekend to visit family, and I finally found a place to ride at my in-laws thanks to Sherry!! The traffic is horrible there so I was relieved to find this awesome little nature trail to ride on. It was only a 10 mile loop so it was a little obnoxious but it was nice to zone out, look at the water, have no traffic AND..... are you ready for this... have FRESH AIR AND BLUE SKIES!!!!! I was in heaven. No wildfire smoke anywhere.

Neil started off with his shirt on, then made it into a turbin (wish I had pics of that) but when the horseflys were getting him at the end his shirt became his horsefly swatter

Neil (who is on day 535 of his running streak!) decided to pound out his first 10 mile run ever on the trail while I was riding. It was really sweet for him to hang with me, but a little nuts in the blazing heat with only the water I gave him as I passed by.

In other news I have a major problem. I am totally addicted to and obsessed with coke! I gave up drinking soda some time in middle school when I decided I wanted to go really really fast one swim meet. I never missed it after that and 15+ years later, I haven't once craved a soda until now. After ironman st. george when coke saved me on the back half of my run, I've craved soda on every single run that I do off the bike. Its sick. I daydream about it the whole run. How it fizzes on the ice, the cold, sugary, carbonated, caffeinated goodness.... I mean I obsess about it the entire run. Today I rode in central florida (where the hills are! yea!) and I actually turned back early on my t-run just so that I could have a coke. 45 minutes in, I sat in the shade and pounded an entire can of goodness before finishing that 100 degree run in the blazing sun at 2 pm. If Kona is hotter than this.... well.... I can't even begin to imagine. There better be lots of coke on the course!!

purple haze

2011-06-14T06:22:00.010-04:00

Beautiful clear skies on Saturday's ride before the smoke moved in. Sunrise over the waterfront by bike

Florida hill (aka bridge) at sunrise

Going through a small section of wildfire damage Saturday with a little smoldering still happening

My great weekend of training in a mildly-sick state landed me a sunday and monday with a painfully full blown sinus infection. Being sick is never part of the training plan (especially just one week in) but I'm grateful that its now and not before a race. It is a bit frustrating feeling like my training had just started gaining some traction before my immune system stopped me dead in my tracks, but there is no adaptive response to training without underlying health so rest it is.

Sunday was the day that really did me in. As I mentioned before, we've been dealing with a wildfire outbreak all around us and on sunday, the smoke was pretty heavy throughout St. Augustine. I headed out on my long ride anyhow figuring as we went south the smoke would go away and it did. We only went through one patch of bad air down south but when we came back into town, the smoke had gotten pretty bad. I made the unwise decision of continuing with my 90 minute t-run outside. I really should have done it inside as the air quality was God awful but I hate the treadmill and after a 120 mile ride, I figured I would last 10 minutes on the tready before quitting on the workout! I made it through the workout and ended up being a very sick and miserable human being immediately afterwards.

I've found myself feeling really frustrated and hopeless these past few days because of the wildfire smoke. I'm pretty sensitive to all kinds of smoke and it always makes me ill; one night in a smokey bar or 10 minutes around a bonfire is enough to make me ill for a week. I just don't see an end to the smokey conditions here in Florida and the 100+ degree temps with the wildfire smoke is making me crazy. I feel as if I'm suffocating and living in a flipping chimney. If there's a hell, it seriously must be something like this. The worst part is that there are 17+ fires contributing to the conditions and they are forecasting that many of them will burn through the summer due to the dry conditions, size of the fires and lack of rain. So I finally get to train for Kona and.... I can't train outside because of these wildfires. This completely and totally sucks.

After a few days of being pissed off and frustrated, I began to work myself out of my negativity realizing that I can't forecast the entire summer's weather based on yesterday or today. A familiar article came to mind that my dad used to read to me when I was being a completely irrational mess as a teenager (and now as a 29 year old :) ). He would read aloud the following negative thought patterns over my incessant protestations making sure to highlight the particularly faulty thought patterns which I was using to perpetuate my anxiety.

1. All or nothing thinking:

Looking at things in black or white categories with no middle ground. "If I fall short of perfection, I'm a total failure."

2. Overgeneralization:

Generalizing from a single negative experience and expecting this to hold true forever. "It was smokey conditions the past few days therefore the rest of the summer is completely going to suck and I can't train."

3. The mental filter:

Focusing on the negatives while filtering out all the positives; noticing one thing that went wrong rather than all the things that went right.

4. Catastrophizing:

Expecting the worst case scenario to happen. "The pilot said that we're in for some turbulence. The plane is going to crash!"

5. Jumping to Conclusions:

Making negative interpretations without actual evidence.

It's amazing how this list of anxiety provoking thought patterns still helps me through negative periods to this day.

Sunday's conditions on my way out.... Looking out on the walkway to the ocean, those aren't low hanging clouds or fog, that's all the smoke layer in the atmosphere

The sun burning bright orange in the hazy smoke filled skies over the beach sunday morning

18 weeks to kona

2011-06-09T16:07:00.003-04:00

Monday June 6th seemed to be national start training for kona day. It seems everyone I know that's going started training this week.

Dirk wrote me a challenging 3 week block to take me up to my first sprint tri of the season. It feels ridiculously good to get back at it. I'm pretty excited to have Racine to focus on these first 6 weeks and I'm hoping to have a great race at home.

On the bike this week, I was finally able to get my SRM working in the weeks building up to St. George (total user error, oh yea, you have to calibrate these things??) so now that Dirk had some usable power data in hand, my trainer sessions have been getting much more specific. Last night I had 5 x 8 minutes at LT with 12 minute recoveries. It was so awesome to be held accountable to watt values. The last two repetitions were much harder than I would have gone just based on heart rate. I was able to hold all 5 between 180-200 watts. Yea! I attempted a similar set prior to St. George and I remember my legs breaking down. I'm looking forward to (hopefully) being able to watch my legs get stronger with these types of workouts by the end of the season.

This morning's 40 min LT run at 13.1 pace was a minor failure. I'd been feeling funky since last night, and I nearly quit the workout and walked home feeling as if I was going to pass out. I sat and ate and drank trying to get myself going for work but something just wasn't right with me and I couldn't shake it. I stayed home from work and slept 6 hours today so hopefully that took care of whatever was going on with me!

In other news, Florida is on fire. It sucks. We need rain so badly. The smoke was so bad the other morning, I was sick to my stomach just getting from my house to my car. At this point, a tropical storm would be a blessing. Not looking forward to battling the smoke all summer, its very sickening. This is the road I drive to work on every day (which was closed this afternoon) and its also where we all bike quite a bit. All the smoke in the atmosphere is a real challenge for training. Luckily this was a small fire and I think they had it under control pretty quickly.

Looking forward to tracking everyone at the races this weekend and happy training to all!!

bon voyage

2011-06-01T21:13:00.007-04:00

"The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page."

-Saint Augustine

Almost 5 years ago now I had the pleasure of befriending an amazing woman named Barbara.

We met at master's swimming and I instantly looked up to her for her perspective on life, her balance of career/family/life and for her unique position as one of the only science faculty on staff at Saint Augustine's Flagler College. Over many cups of coffee after master's swim practice we chatted about the mundane and the extraordinary and we dreamed about goals of our lives in the future. Barbara swore up and down that her major life goal in the next few years was to bike across the country and I dreamed of being at her side. As life would have it, now is not the time for me to make this trip but this is Barbara's time to complete her dream.

Barbara's cross country trip begins this Saturday morning. Once she's about 10 days down the road west, she will be tailed by her husband and son in a 1990's coachman that they renovated specifically for this trip. It is so inspiring to watch someone follow through with their heart's desire and to see her family so selflessly help her pursue her dream. You can follow her journey to San Francisco at her blog.

Godspeed Barbara! Wishing you safe travels and the trip of a lifetime!

The tentative route with very scary dark brown regions out west!

I was searching high and low for the perfect gift and found this awesome bottle from hobby lobby. Filled the inside with atlantic water and sand, the other vessel is for the Pacific!

Recovery

2011-05-24T22:08:00.006-04:00

Recovery from Ironman #2 has been night and day from my first. Not sure if I'm better trained or if it was all those IV's but the post Ironman insomnia was minimal and the soreness was remarkably improved from my first race. We hiked it all the way up and down the vegas strip with only minimal limping up and down all the stairs in the two days following the race (las vegas has lots. of. stairs. who knew?)

I spent the last two weeks really wanting to workout as my legs felt not so terribly trashed after the first few days, but the overwhelming feeling that my batteries were kinda low on energy left me doing lots of sleeping. Two weeks of 9-10 hours a night and I feel like a new person. The amazing part was that I could actually run the week after the race! I did an easy little 5 mile run the saturday following the race and although I could feel some deep fatigue in my legs I was very happy that it was doable.

After my first ironman, it took me almost 5 weeks to successfully run a few miles again (without quitting and walking home backwards). Progress is SO motivating!!

3 weeks deep into the recovery I'm just now getting myself back on a light schedule and doing some light aerobic stuff and just respecting the process. I'm glad I gave myself a few weeks off, I know it was rest my body needed and it will pay dividends when the going gets tough mid summer!

Right now I'm planning out the summer's race schedule which I'm very excited about. I'm going to head home and race Racine 70.3 in July and I am so freaking excited to race back at home in Wisconsin. I really haven't been home to race since college so it will be a mini homecoming for me to spend with my dad and break up the kona training build. Training for Racine officially starts June 5th and I will be chomping at the bit to get after it by then! Trying to piece together a few sprints for fun in the summer florida heat and plan out a summer of good hard training.

Other than that, recovery has included lots of Neil time and extra time to have some beers with friends in addition to lots of things I don't normally have time to do like....

Being a triathlon fan and cheering on the enormous Jacksonville crew at FL 70.3

Getting up to enjoy sunrises and coffee on the beach before work.....

And the occasional run in with my training buddies leaving without me! Brisbane was very confused as to why we weren't running with everyone....

How to train for St. George in pancake flat florida

2011-05-18T20:35:00.014-04:00

Signs on my street that I love....

8.98 feet really is the elevation on our street. And by the way... elevation is NOT a factor at St. George

Just my other favorite sign on our street :)

I keep getting this question so here goes the answer:

When I began to work with Dirk just about a year ago now, our conversation about goals revolved around one thing: Kona. That was THE goal. Nothing else mattered to me. I submitted myself to do whatever he said to get me there, no matter how many years it may have taken me to achieve that goal. In selecting races for this year, he told me to choose the hilliest and earliest season ironman I could find. Without a doubt, the answer was St. George and I dutifully signed up excited for the challenge. I have the advantage of year round outdoor training making an early season race smart since I can get fit earlier in the year than most of the country. On top of that, a hilly course is ultimately a fair course. No issues with drafting and cheating.
Then came all my questions to Dirk: How on earth could I prepare for one of the hilliest ironman's in the world when my typical 6 hour ride has barely over 100 feet of elevation gain (thanks intercoastal bridge!)?
I've never been very strong riding hills or climbing. My first training trip to north carolina in college was a disaster. Thank goodness for all the guys that rode behind me and physically pushed my weak ass up some of the steep grades. I still need to work on that power to weight thing..... But the way in which Dirk structures his training is what allows for success on a hilly course with minimal hill training.
There was no one key workout that lead to the success but rather an accumulation of a lot of hours of training intelligently blocked together. In the past my training schedule would alternate what I did almost every day (ie. monday swim, tuesday bike/run, wednesday swim/run, thursday bike, friday swim, sat long ride, sunday long run). Rinse and repeat. Over and over and over again. What Dirk does so intelligently that makes you stronger is build bike and run blocks over 3,4,5+ day stretches. A lot of times those blocks would begin with 1-2 hours of hill simulation on the trainer by cranking out high resistance, low cadence sets that build over a long period without any recovery. Training the body in these consecutive blocks built into cycles that build throughout the entire training period was the key. It makes you ridiculously strong.
Early in the season I also had key hill workouts on the treadmill to build my leg strength but these were once a week or every few weeks and they tapered off as the volume was building. My last hill workout running was maybe in February or March. The bike hill workouts lasted until about April and we had to cut them out after my quad starting getting bitchy on me.
To give you an idea of what these training blocks looked like, here was one of my peak week training blocks just before taper:
Thursday: 2 hours tempo intervals on the trainer, 1 h 50 m run with 30 min tempo in the middle Friday: 3 hour bike (pm), 1 hour run (am)
Saturday: 6 hour bike (am) 2 hour run (pm)
Sunday: 6.5 hour bike, swim of 2x40 min continuous
I'm way oversimplifying the beauty of this method of training, but suffice it to say that it works and I'm a believer. Looking back at the way I used to train, it just doesn't make much sense compared to what I do now.
I still don't consider myself a powerful hill rider or a quick one at all. But if the distance is long enough, I'm totally confident in my legs to pull me through the distance without wearing down. They pulled me through 6,747 feet of climbing on the bike and 2,589 feet of elevation gain on the run feeling pretty darn good considering!

What I've learned so far about ironman

2011-05-13T22:55:00.011-04:00

Neil contemplating jumping into 62 degree water and enjoying the view

I've had a week now to reflect on the race, read other's race reports and just generally let everything sink in and I've learned ALOT. I also have ALOT more to learn but that's what's so addicting about ironman racing, as much as you know, there is alway more to learn, more to perfect, that last tantalizing detail that you know will drop more time off your race. So I continue to learn. But here are my most recent revelations about ironman training and racing.....

1. The number one key to success in ironman distance racing (in my humble opinion) is the ability to adjust your race plan to the course and to the day. My run time was NOT what I envisioned by any means however, I still felt that on May 7th, 2011 in the conditions that were given to me on that particular day, that I successfully adapted my race strategy to do as well as I possibly could given 95 degree heat and and 2,589 feet of climbing over 26.2 miles.

The number one thing you can do to prepare yourself for a race, is to ride/run the course in training at some point before hand. Having done this, I had almost 6 months to visualize exactly what my race day would be like. This was key, especially on a challenging course like St. George. Second best is to drive the course, know it and adjust your expectations based on what you see.

Complaining to Neil, Mer and my Dad about my nausea

2. Know your plan and trust your training.

Questioning where you're at along the training route is healthy and good self reflection. Micro-adjustments that come from this self reflection shared with your coach are critical. However, if you have a coach, trust him or her. You hired him for a reason and see the plan through some racing before you judge the results.

Working with Dirk was a bit of a leap of faith- not because he didn't have proven results but because the training was so different for me. I had to humble myself on rides and runs holding back to do more aerobic base training and keeping my heart rate lower. This has been incredibly difficult for me but I've learned to enjoy it tremendously! Those first few super slow runs were mentally defeating, but slowly I'm seeing my heart rate lower and my pace increase on base endurance runs.

A few weeks before the race part of me wanted to panic that I had only run 15 miles for a long run- I usually love to pound out lots of long miles. But I trusted Dirk, had faith in the plan and found confidence in executing the plan by trusting Dirk. And consequently, I became stronger than I've ever been.

3. Don't forget mental training

We are so comfortable with the ins and outs of daily training stress, but preparing mentally to race can be difficult. There's alot of pressure and anticipation when you only get one or two shots at a race distance every year and you've spent a lot of cash getting to the race. Don't waste your opportunity to shine with fear and anxiety. Mentally plan out every detail of your day. Execute it in your head reinforcing positive thoughts and mantras that you will say to get yourself through. Spend some time writing or at least thinking about what drew you to this challenge in the first place and hold those inspirations close to your heart so you can remember them when it hurts.

I found about 2 weeks before St. George, I began to get afraid of how I would deal with the pain that I remembered from my first ironman. I initially ignored that fear but soon realized I was setting myself up for failure by not addressing my fear of the pain. I embraced it. I welcomed the idea that it was going to be painful and I mentally worked through how I was going to deal with that BEFORE the race came. This made it much easier to deal with when it did hurt and gave me good strategies to not give up when the going got tough. And somehow I totally surprised myself that this ironman didn't hurt nearly as much as my first!!

It's ok to face the fact that its going to hurt and the better prepared you are for this reality, the more successful your day will be.

4. Stay in the moment and constantly reassess and adjust

I have so many people that ask me (particularly my patients) what on earth I think about while racing that long. I have to say, this time around I was really just focused on what I was doing in each moment. On the swim, increasing my turnover (see below video of the worst turnover EVER from my last 70.3 that inspired my changes for STG). On the bike, I was aiming to get in Dirk's nutritional plan and constantly adjusting it for what my stomach was doing at that moment. I was focused on my heart rate, power, each up and down. Enjoying what I was doing, but staying focused.

On the run when things were going south, I was focused on staying tough and when things weren't turning around for my stomach, I completely ditched the nutritional plan and started from scratch- and got lucky it worked!

5. Always keep learning, keep having fun, persevere and never quit because you never know when your dreams will come true :)

6. I could never do this without the love and support of Neil and all my family and friends!!!!!

dreams do come true

2011-05-10T10:50:00.011-04:00

thanks for the sign and balloons lani and kai!

I'm at a loss for words. Years of hard work, dreams and dedication all suddenly pieced together for me on Saturday. I'm almost in shock still right now, it doesn't seem real. I did a really good job of staying focused during my ironman build, during race week and during the race itself so now that the race is over, the fact that I've accomplished my goals is totally surreal.

Here's the shortest version of a race report I could compose...

dad cooking pre race meal

race morning nerves

justin and mer race morning

The Swim:

I had the perfect start. 3-4 rows back, about 50 yards off to the right. Dirk had told me to get out of my comfort zone the first 500-1000 meters and to find a good pack that could pull me to a fast swim. I didn't get a good look at the buoys to orient myself to the course before the start so I was a little nervous about getting on course but somehow, without even really seeing the buoys while I was sighting, I pulled myself right into the buoy line well before the first turn. I had pretty minimal contact during the start and only got my googles knocked off once and was able to put them back on immediately. My main focus for this swim was to increase my turnover. Neil had taken a video of me during my last 70.3, and my turnover was ridiculous. I had no idea my arms were moving that slow. So the whole time I told myself to turn it over and pick it up and it worked. I never found good feet, I have a bad habit of liking to be by my lonesome on the swim-I don't like constantly battling other athletes.

This swim is really unique- its one loop point to point and I was thinking it would feel really long as there is one main stretch that takes you through the majority of the swim. But for some reason, that last red turn buoy came up really fast. I felt great, I wasn't even tired. I made the turn and picked up the pace on the way in. I was elated when I saw 1:01 on the clock. I finally swam a swim that I felt was closer to my potential and it was a 6 min pr from CDA. Next stop.... sub :60 :)

The bike:

The transition was awesome. How often do you get to say that? The people in St. George are amazing and they really embrace this race. There were 4200 volunteers for only 1700ish athletes that actually started the race. I had people all over me dressing me, attending to my every need and getting me off in record time. I was so so thankful for all of their kindness and attention.

I flew off on the bike confident, happy and ready to execute the plan.

The plan..... Dirk told me race week he wanted me to race at 165 +/-2. When I first read this, I thought he was nuts. For sure I would blow. I race 70.3's at about 170-172. After discussing more, I realized the reasoning..... On a hilly course, I would have the time to recover so that my average heart rate for the ride would still be mid 150ish. Plus I needed to push to put myself in contention coming off the bike.

I've never felt so confident on the bike in my life. It didn't matter what anyone else around me was doing, I was executing our plan and I didn't have to be concerned about racing anyone around me. I was flying and feeling great. The 10 mile mark came up on me quickly and just as I opened my mouth to thank some nice people cheering on the side of the road, I puked everywhere. I had no idea where it came from but luckily it was just sea water and stomach acid. No loss of nutrition.

I had moments on the bike that I didn't feel so hot, but it was never in my legs. I was completely in my comfort zone the entire ride. I did however battle intermittent stomach issues, nothing serious though and the nutrition was going down after some patience and perseverance with the nutritional plan. I hit the descent of the first loop and flew- got up to 47 mph. It was so. much. fun. I can't even tell you. I love this bike course, it is stunningly beautiful and challenging. I could feel my legs more than I wanted as I finished climbing though and I was wondering if it was going to hurt climbing again once the first descent was over.

I rounded the second loop and much to my surprise, my legs still felt great. The wind and heat were building and I was constantly hydrating but knew staying hydrated enough was getting tougher by the hour. There were only two hills on the second loop that were really really tough but I was able to spin up them and keep my heart rate under our 170 max.

The second time descending, the head/cross winds were a gusty 20+ mph and really slowed you down. There were a few gusts that were strong enough to knock me around but nothing outrageously scary. I realized that if I had started the descent at 5:40, I would be close to breaking 6 hours. I cruised into transition and saw 5:59 on my watch so I passed off my bike and sprinted over the mat as fast as possible to get it under 6 hours. Sweet. Solid day thus far.

The run:

I told myself this run was going to be about energy management. It was a hot sunny 95 degrees with zero shade and the dry desert air was already affecting my lungs. I told myself to just get through the first loop and not let my heart rate creep over 170 (which was suicide per dirk). The run is all up for the first 7-8ish miles and it was easy to let my heart rate approach the no zone. I tried to eat my efs, take my salt sticks and just load ice down my pants.

I drank at every aid station but the nausea was building. By the half I wasn't sure if I was going to dnf, I was getting really sick. My legs felt great on the hills however which I was super happy with. I ditched my efs wondering if it may have turned in the heat and I switched entirely to coke for the entire last 13 miles. Every time I put that coke over the ice, it was heaven. It settled my stomach and the quick hit of sugar and caffeine was a miracle.

The run was total carnage. Everyone was walking. The heat was brutal. The pro's even looked like shit. I was beating myself up for walking the aid stations but somehow managed to stay focused. My motto was "never surrender. keep moving. slow down slower." from a great article I read before the race. I dragged people along with me up the final hills cheering them on, telling them not to walk and that this was one of the last hills only to realize that the people around me were mostly on their first loop. I can't even imagine what it was like for them to be out there that long in 95 degree heat. That is truly incredible.

The last few downhill miles were tough but it felt good to be so close and to be picking up some speed going downhill. I hit the last roundabout to the finish chute and the magic happened. That awesome moment where there's no pain anymore, just joy. I felt so strong coming down the chute and I finally let it hit me. Even with this atrocious marathon, I had put together a very solid race. I high fived everyone I could in the chute and crossing the finish line was the most satisfying feeling ever. I executed a great race in tough conditions and I actually RACED an ironman for the first time (well, until the run....). I had no idea where I was in my age group but it was out of my hands. I was happy knowing I did the best I could on this day.

Turns out I was chasing down first in my age group and she only got me by 1:20. So close but like I said, I didn't hold back. That's what I had on the day.

After profusely vomitting everywhere 5 times I earned myself a cot in medical and 2 IV's did the trick. Much better.

I knew there was a chance at kona, but I didn't put much thought to it that night. It was out of my hands. But after packing the bikes and devouring some five guys, I only slept three hours before waking with a huge adrenaline rush thinking about that slot.

We got to the convention center and I was so nervous walking to the board to see if my age group had one or two spots. I found our board and long behold, there was a little star next to my name. I broke down into tears and cried my whole way to the registration table. I can't believe its happened. I'm going to kona :)

I have so many people to thank. Friends, family, Neil, Justin and Mer for making the trip so much fun, everyone in blogland, team 110%.... The support and love I've received is nothing short of amazing. Every time I crossed a timing mat, I thought of every single person who was cheering me on and tracking me. Thank you for all the positive energy and support you've all given me not just on race day, but every day of my life.

I really can't thank the Dirkinator enough however. This past year has been a lesson in patience and trust. But looking back at the outcomes, I am amazed at how far Dirk has brought me and the confidence he was able to give me going into this race was absolutely amazing. His coaching is single handedly responsible for making my dreams finally come true. I can't get over that he almost knows my body better than I do since he can tell me how to execute a race and my body does exactly what he asks and feels great at doing it. This is nothing short of amazing to me.

Next stop.... Kona :)

roll out

2011-05-02T20:44:00.008-04:00

view from my saddle

"Believe in your dreams and they may come true. Believe in yourself and they WILL come true."

How are you feeling?

The question of the week.

Don't let me come off ungrateful- I'm so inspired and thankful for having so many caring people in my life who ask me this. But I've found myself squeemishly avoiding this question. There just isn't one answer and even if there were, it changes by the second. So I respond universally "I'm feeling good." But that's a total lie. Sometimes, I'm feeling GREAT, sometimes scared, doubtful, nervous, excited, confident, anxious, inspired, tired, happy, determined..... the list goes on. And so it is in taper mode.

I've been working on welcoming in all these feelings and emotions knowing they are a normal part of the process but I've also been working on eliminating all negative self talk and replacing it with positive, confident and inspirational content. I'm teaching myself to believe in myself.

The work is done

The bags are getting packed

It's time to finally do this!

I've never trained this hard in my life, I've never been this strong. Saturday is my day to show it. Things will go wrong, but the difference between success and failure is the ability to deal with anything and everything and to never surrender until the finish line. And if I give it my all and never surrender, I will be victorious at the finish line no matter what the clock says or what my place is.

Now if I can just survive one more day of work...

In memory of Bryan

2011-04-17T20:35:00.008-04:00

Rest in Peace Bryan

I hope I never have to write a blog like this again.

I've been searching for the right words all week but they just won't come to me.

Wednesday afternoon, we got the horrific news that one of our fellow Saint Augustine cyclists, Bryan Wrigley, was killed while out training. He was hit from behind at a very high speed and killed instantly. Bryan was only 23 years old and was a physical therapy student at my alma mater.

I only had the honor of riding with Bryan a handful of times, but from what I know of him, he was an extraordinarily giving and kind person. Its hard to understand why its always the good people in life who are killed so unfortunately young.

I guess from tragedies like this, we look for rationale or reason. For something to make it feel better or be okay, but the manner in which Bryan was so coldly murdered reflected against the brightness of his young future has made his death so incomprehensible for all of us.

Today we rode out to where Bryan was killed with a group of about 40 area cyclists to honor Bryan's life. He was hit on a long, straight, flat road where you can see for miles on end; on a road we train on regularly out in the potato fields west of St. Augustine. In a place where we all felt safe. Once we turned onto 214 and headed west, silence slowly crept over the group. This is where Bryan last rode, this is how he spent his last moments on earth on a beautiful sunny afternoon in the calm country Florida roads. In a place where we regularly go to find peace in our lives.

We stopped and had a moment of silence and said a few words to remember Bryan. I don't know that I'll ever remember a silence so profound. Jim ended the moment with these words:

"May you always have smooth roads to ride on and may the wind always be at your back."

Amen.

The person that hit Bryan is still on the run. To his murderer: I pray that what you did last Wednesday afternoon was truly an accident and not intentional. I pray that you have a conscience and that the horror of what you've done is far worse than any physical punishment that the law may impose on you. Even if you are never found, you can't hide from Karma or from your conscience.

For everyone who rides and everyone who drives a car, I hope that from Bryan's death comes more mutual understanding and mutual respect for one another. Share the road and ride safe. And to Bryan, may God hold you in the palm of his hands.

http://staugustine.com/news/local-news/2011-04-13/cyclist-killed-hit-and-run

CR 214 about a mile west of where Bryan was killed and our regular stop at Molasses Junction below

bienvenido a miami

2011-04-10T15:58:00.006-04:00

Sunrise over the race (thanks joey for all the great pics!)

south beach transition area, palm trees, beautiful crystal blue water and HEAT!

downtown miami by bike!

This past week has been quite a rollercoaster and I'm super happy to end it off with a solid olympic distance race in south beach today.
Earlier this week I was having a lot of familiar pains in my hip and down my leg. That traveling ever changing ache in my groin, back, inside of my knee and down my IT band. It made total sense to me that this was just the inevitable next step after my hip joint locked down the week before (which caused the quad tweak) but in the back of my mind I couldn't rule out another stress fracture. This was exactly how it started last year anyhow. After a few conversations with my doc and one really painful night, we decided I needed an mri to be sure. I couldn't push the next month of training and feel comfortable racing an ironman without that peace of mind. Winding up with pins in my hip is not worth it.
Last week I had mentally prepared for dropping out of St. George and pondered continuing the sport at all if I did have another stress fracture. It wasn't a fun mental exercise but the MRI came up totally negative and I got a new chance to race and a new sense of joy at the opportunity to race.
Coming from that frame of mind, I was just so appreciative to be racing today. The only goal Coach Dirk and I had was not to do anything that would compromise the last hard training block for Saint George. In Dirks words, I had to be ready to hit it hard come monday. So this weekend felt like a little vacation. Low volume, fun race and one last chance to have a sane weekend before 3 weeks of heavy training and 1 week of taper. I'm afraid to look at my schedule- Dirk's "hard" is a whole 'nother level of work that I have a feeling I haven't experienced yet.
So... The race!
I loved south beach and miami! The diversity, the people, the history and culture, the art deco hotels... So different and interesting. Race morning the juxtaposition of the crowd just leaving the clubs and the nervous energy of type A triathletes was priceless.
The swim was salty, hot and beautiful. I wore a wetsuit (I think they went 5 miles off shore to find a water temp of 78 degrees...)but I should have followed my intuition to go with the speed suit. After pushing the start I thought I was going to explode in my wetsuit and even began pondering if I would have to stop and take it off. But I just had to keep my heart rate down and not swim too hard and the heat became more manageable. I was SO glad to rip off my wetsuit!!
The bike was great, beautiful scenery, lots of bridges, minimal winds (except a little headwind coming back in) and I even got to see a bit of the pro race which was awesome. I felt like I was flying but I was a little timid of pushing too hard and I think I let up on the gas too much at times. I was hoping that I was averaging 23+ but it was more like 22.5 (1:06:27 split). Blah. 70.3 legs kicked in.
Got off the bike and told myself to hold back a bit. I was fairly sure no one in my age group was around me, I was only seeing pro's and elites on their way back in. My hip was tight but fine and I could tell all that run training on tired legs has paid off since my legs felt ridiculously fresh. The first three miles flew by and it felt so comfortable. I debated going for a negative split run but kinda knew I had my age group locked up so when it started getting tougher those last 2 miles I backed off. The A goal was to be able to hit it hard come monday. I still ran a 43:02 so really not all that far off of my ideal olympic run split. I ended up 2:19 which was a solid olympic time for me all the way around right now. Very pleased.
I was super satisfied to have a solid, pain free race and winning my age group was a nice bonus. It was a great confidence booster after a crazy week and a nice mini vacation before my final IM build. I'm ready to give 100% these next 4 weeks... I have a feeling they will be the hardest weeks I've ever done!

More pics from the weekend....

Dirk Bockel, Josh (Kswiss rep) and I post race (ignore that giant ice bag down my pants :))

For what its worth my hip actually feels BETTER after racing. Go figure

My kinda transition area. Nap looks good

You can barely make it out in this pic but the right lane of this toll booth is for bikes only!!! SO awesome

View in the distance of downtown Miami on our way back in from Saturday's warm up ride to key biscayne

Aaron, JC and I post race- JC won the elite division!!

Fast women and serious cash!

Sun is shinin' the weather is sweet....

2011-04-03T18:58:00.003-04:00

Today was the absolute most beautiful perfect day anyone could order up. Light winds, cool in the morning, warmed up to high 70's, not a cloud in the bluest skies you've ever seen. 100 miles of relaxation, followed by an hour run where Neil joined me on the bike and kept me laughing the whole way practicing his aero position at 7 miles per hour. The past few days of life in bullet point form...

Some pics along the ride:

Beach potty stop:

The first 40 miles south along the calm Atlantic

No time for whale watching this morning

Miles 50-70 in the state park. The canopy is so beautiful it feels like a walk in the woods.

My quad... is doing really well! I've been quiet about it because I don't want to declare victory prematurely, but last Thursday I had a little epiphany. My knee was getting somewhat better, but something was still causing it to be so hung up. I got home from work and started going back to my hip exercises. When I did a little anterior capsular stretch (a way of self manipulating the joint itself) I got a huge pop and all the sudden my quad let go almost completely. Success! My quad felt jacked up because my hip joint had gotten tight again. It makes complete sense that with all the biking I've been doing with no work on my hip that it would get tight again, but somewhere in the back of my head I was very weary since this was one of the first things that happened when I had the stress fracture last year. I'm cautiously optimistic that this is behind me.
Dirk put me through a slow build this weekend and my leg felt better everyday so I'm feeling pretty good about things right now but I need to do my hip exercises! I was slacking off! We did 2 hour bike Friday, 3 hour bike/40 min run yesterday and then 5 hour bike/1 hour run today and we will see what's in store next week!

I can't believe I spent $200+ on a frickin water bottle holder. BUT.... the xlab does rock. Over the past few years I've been quite the professional at breaking rear mount water bottle holders and at launching water bottles. After breaking all of them at a rate of at least one per year, I finally invested in one of the xlabs. I have to say, so far so great! Holds the bottles much tighter, so far has stayed on nice and tight and its a nice way to organize the flat kit.

Last thought of the day. My dog is super cute :)

Perspective

2011-03-28T12:40:00.006-04:00

"Sometimes you have to let go to see if there was anything worth holding on to."

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."

"What is important in life is life. Not the result of life."

My massage went well yesterday (except for the pain of being sunburned and getting a massage, ouch!) and Mo gave me two full hours of pain. He completely rocks. We figured out that my VMO and my vastus intermedius were pretty well scared down causing the inflammation where the inner quad fibers insert at my medial knee. Right afterwards my quad got super sore all the way up the middle and front which is a great sign. We definitely hit the spot and a few more days of healing should put me back in the game.

Dirk gave me the "no biking or running until further notice" warning which is a bit of a bummer, but, the right thing to do.

Even though I'm anxious to get back at it, I find myself in a much better state of mind than I would ordinarily be this close to a big race. I guess sitting the bench last year gave me a lot of perspective. The world didn't end because I couldn't race and life moved on quite swimmingly despite my DNS at Ironman Wisconsin.

So taking a few days off for a minor soft tissue irritation really doesn't even seem close to the end of the world right now. If anything, a little extra recovery before the final push to St. George is only going to help me.

I've done a lot of thinking about the place of triathlon in my life in the past year. At the beginning of this season I wasn't enjoying training so much and Neil asked me: "How do you see triathlon in your life?"

Simple question but yet not easy to answer. My immediate response was that its fun and its my social life. At the heart of all our dedication to the sport, that's the reality of it for us age groupers. And if it isn't fun, why would we do it?

Ever since my husband asked me that simple question, my mindset was completely reframed: I put triathlon in its place. I removed it from an obsession that absorbed my mind every day. I put it where it belonged on my list of priorities and rather than that being a bad thing, its actually been awesome. I've been enjoying training and racing so much more and not gotten hung up about all the little ups and downs in training, mindset and health that so often consume us when we are training for a big race. If a workout has to be rearranged or missed so that I can prioritize friends or family, I do it and don't feel guilty about it.

What really happened is that I learned I can give my all to my goals and to the sport without taking from other parts of my life. I learned that I can achieve my goals without just being focused to the point of obsession in the build up to a race.

I think part of being successful in acheiving our triathlon related goals is to ask ourselves the question "how do you see triathlon in your life?"

You might surprise yourself at the answer.

Rough weekend in ironman training

2011-03-27T09:53:00.007-04:00

warning: when going for a ridiculously long swim outside in florida, DO NOT forget sunscreen! ouch!!

Yesterday I was supposed to do a double swim to give my quad some rest. But with the pool only being open 11-3, I really only had the option of attempting one massive swim. Inspired by Charisa's long birthday swim, I decided to attempt 10,000 meters straight.

I started out with a variation on Kiet's "bread and butter" workout for ironman distance swims (which has become a mainstay in my swim workouts!):

2000 swim: 500 warm up, 500 every 4th length hard, 500 every 3rd length hard, 500 every other length hard

800 kick all free with board

4x400 pull with paddles and pull buoy. Descend 1-3, #4 easy cruise

I then moved on to Charisa's workout for the remainder of my workout:

1,000 cruise

900: 3x300 (200 swim, 100 kick)

800: 2x400 this is where it started to suck!

700: 7x100 pull with paddles/pull buoy

BUT I only made it through 3 of those 100's before my shoulder reminded me why I don't usually last on long swims :) I wasn't there to trade one minor injury for another so 7500 meters was the total outcome (with a little warmdown). Still probably the longest swim I've ever done in one shot.

My quad wasn't hurting at all yesterday so I begged Dirk to get back to my normal routine today. I started off on my easy endurance ride headed south on my favorite route. It seemed awfully hazy as I went along and as I kept on going south, I became totally enveloped in wildfire smoke. ugh. If you haven't had the pleasure of experiencing wildfire smoke, it sucks. It makes me super sick to my stomach and my respiratory passages just burn. I looked up the map below when I got home and there are two fires south of us that were blowing the smoke right up on to A1A. The most northern two fires are the ones that I was experiencing the smoke from. Luckily there isn't a bit of it in the air at home in St. Augustine today.

As I headed back towards home to change up my ride and head north, I could kind of start to feel my knee. It didn't really "hurt" but it didn't not hurt either. I rode on debating if I should cut the workout or not as I had promised Dirk any lick of pain means STOP THE WORKOUT. I called Neil to debate with him and he reassured me that if I had to even ask about it, it hurt and I should stop. Its so hard to be smart but a few days off now is nothing compared to jacking up my leg and missing weeks of training or trying to be on the start line injured. I'm getting a massage at noon and can't wait to get this thing worked out and get back into it, but for now, I know I made the right decision to take it easy. Even though it sucks and it would be super easy to ride/run through it since its so not that bad :(

This too shall pass....

Words to live by to put things in perspective:

The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, answered

"Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices

money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he

does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the

future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived."

Train smarter not harder

2011-03-26T09:07:00.005-04:00

Cake makes everything better right?? Surprising Joey for his big 4-0!

At 6 weeks to St. George things have been going along most excellently. So somewhere in the back of my mind I was kind of waiting for the snafu. Usually at this point in training there is some kind of hang up- an illness, an injury (or in the case of my last ironman- getting hit by a car :) )... Not that I'm being negative. I'm just becoming more practiced at being realistic. The number one thing I've learned about ironman training and racing so far is to expect the unexpected. Things will not go perfectly and its how you deal with them that will ultimately make you successful or unsuccessful.

Recovery from my last two weekends of racing and hard training has been going along well. My quads are still pretty sluggish on the bike but somehow I managed a great track workout this week. On Friday morning after grinding away on the trainer though, my medial knee flared up on me and was pretty bothersome during the day. I was so tempted to ignore it and keep on training but I skipped last nights tempo run and we rearranged this weekend to give my quad some time to heal.

One great thing about being a PT is being able to confidently differentiate what I can push through and when I need to stop and shut it down. My right quad and knee have never quite been the same since my stress fracture. The changes in my hip in addition to my tight hip flexor and weak quad have made my right knee a bit sketchy at times in the past year but with consistent strengthening/stretching and an intelligent training build, my knee has slowly come along. This flare up is a little warning sign that my right quad needs some work and with some good myofascial work, the inflammation at the inside of my knee should subside pretty quickly since I didn't try to train through it.

I woke up this morning knowing the dirkinator and I made the right decision to just swim long today. I thought I would welcome a little down time since life has been so hectic lately. I even thought that the long training miles may have ground down my mind and today would be a good mental break before the final push, but I woke up to the exact opposite emotions. My legs, my body and my mind are begging me for another long workout!! It makes me super happy to know my mind is in a good place- focused, happy and eager this close to the race. My knee doesn't hurt at all this morning so I'm on the right track and hopefully only one day of TLC and getting my quad dug out by my favorite massage therapist will get me back on the road in no time!

In the meantime I'm off to the pool to attempt the longest swim I've ever done. Guess if I can't push the limits on the road, I want to do it in the pool!

Gator Half Race Report

2011-03-21T14:27:00.015-04:00

I came into the race this weekend super satisfied with my training. I've never trained this hard or long before and my ironman preparation is right where I want it.... which also meant that the entire week leading up to the race my quads were dead. I renamed my quads "poopy" the week of the race. Dirk has this great way of always bringing you just to the edge and then pulling you back just in time to save you for more training blocks; but this past week was the first week in my IMSG training cycle that my legs just rebelled. I was fine with it though. I saw it as a sign of progress to finally hit my limits where my body needed me to back down. The week before the race, my trainer intervals were awful. I couldn't even reach my LT heart rates without my quads just shutting down. My runs were still ok really, it was just my bike legs that were thrashed.

Friday my legs just ached all day long and they were throbbing by the end of the day. It never felt so good to get off my feet friday night to make the drive down to south florida. For some reason though, it didn't make me nervous for the race. I thought my legs would come around on me somehow. Saturday we just hung out with Neil's family for a quick visit and spent almost no time at the race site getting my packet and getting set. This was such a nice benefit of a small, non- M-dot race. It was SO simple to get things together and the stress level was super low. We found a great bike shop in Sarasota that helped me out with a small issue I was having and headed to my amazing friend Shanna's house and just chilled. No race warm up. Nothing. I knew the best thing I could do for my legs was just to rest and hope they would come back around for sunday.

playing with the nephews and hanging out with family before the race

neil trying to get joshie in the pool

I had some nerves sunday morning but they were all good ones. I knew how over-prepared I was for this half- to the point of performance decline since my ironman prep was right on schedule. This was just going to be a nice little test and, frankly, a shorter workout than I would normally have to do on the weekend!

The swim was interesting; two loops around this little retention pond kinda deal that wasn't as gross as I expected it to be. We started 30 seconds behind the men which I expected to be a disaster but it wasn't. My last half was at world's so I was ready for an all out brawl with the women around me but right after the gun went off I looked around and found myself in the front by my lonesome catching the men right off the bat. Kind of a surprise for this not so fast ex-swimmer.

My new xterra wetsuit felt fantastic buoyancy-wise but did create more shoulder fatigue than I wanted to feel. I put it in cruise mode and focused on good sighting which I did really well at except coming into shore where we were totally blinded by the sun. I swam 28:58 which was my first time under 30 since my swimming days in college!

As I headed out of an uneventful T1 where I fumbled with socks for the first time in years (can't afford torn up feet screwing up next weeks training!), there was one girl right with me. I passed her straight out of T1 and only 10 minutes later she was re-passing me. I let my legs and heart rate chill for a bit and just waited to see what my legs wanted to do (a kind of patience I've never had in a race before). At about 20 miles in my legs started to come around and I decided to pass the girl in front of me. We went back and forth for a bit, always staying legal (which was the best part about this race! everyone rode in the spirit of the rules. zero drafting, it was fantastic!). After her last move on me I fumbled a bit trying to fit my waterbottle back into my new xlab cages which I had never used before the race. I couldn't get the darn bottle back in the cage. Thankfully the guy riding behind me gave me a few verbals to help with my incompetence and after a 5 minute battle, the waterbottle finally went back in. I looked up at the girl in front of me and she had built a little more of a lead. I just settled in and listened to my body. No point in blowing up tired legs. I was doing better than I thought I would on tired legs and I was satisfied to just cruise just below 170 heart rate (which I now know is my 70.3 bike pace). Somewhere around mile 30-35 the girl in front of me seemed to falter and suddenly I had caught her with no increase in effort. I thought twice about passing her as my legs had zero tolerance for any surges today. But she had really slowed so I went for it. My legs were finally waking up and I increased the pace quite a bit after passing her. A few miles later I realized I had dropped her entirely to my surprise. I guess it takes me 30 something miles for my legs to warm up these days. I was glad to take whatever my quads were willing to give me on this day. We continued on into the persistent typical Florida cross-headwind with everyone riding legally which was SO refreshing (I can't say it enough...). Somewhere in the last 15 miles there was a 5-8 mile stretch of painful dead headwind before we turned back towards transition.

Coming into T2 I was pretty sure I was leading the women's race but I didn't get any good info from anyone so I wasn't sure. This race had a million different divisions so it was really hard to gauge who was who. Coming into T2 all the announcer was talking about was how much he loved the song "come on eileen" in high school so he wasn't much help. I found out later I split right around 2:31 high which is pretty average for me right now. My PR is 2:28 so on fresh legs, I really think I can start to put in some quicker bike splits in the future! Not bad to be just off my pr with poopy quads.

Shanna caught me questioning what the hell the announcer was talking about leaving T2 lol.... oops.

I strode out of T2 with my new piece of equipment that I'm trying to learn to love: the fuelbelt. I've decided one of my major limiters in half/full distance racing is my nutrition and my attempt at a solution is to use a fuel belt with efs liquid shot and water. The nutrition has worked wonders in training except for the fact that I can't keep the damn thing down on my wide hips (suggestions anyone????)

I finally got it around me and took off in the lead of the race. My body wanted to run 7's but I forced myself back to 7:15-7:20 knowing that I always take off too fast and die. The last 3 70.3's I've done, I've run a 1:44. Super frustrating because I know I can do better than that. At world's I started off sub 7's and mostly held it until I had a nutritional meltdown and wasted lots of precious time in the porta potty :( Even then, I still managed to run.... you guessed it.... 1:44. I knew if I could just average sub 8's I would pr and that's where I set my goal. It felt ridiculously easy and comfortable on the first loop. Within the first 3 miles, the second place girl blew by me at what appeared to be 6:30 pace. I wanted no part of that. She was obviously a much stronger runner than I was and I was not ready to enter the hurt locker today. I was happy with what my tired legs were giving me and I knew there wasn't any extra gears to push today. I was more focused on my own heart rate and what my body wanted to do in each moment.

The girl in the same kit behind me ready to make her pass on the run for the overall win...

The second loop I got a little more thirsty from all the salt I had taken but I was still cruising. It started to get a bit hot and yea, I was tired but not bad considering. I just kept reminding myself that this was much easier than the 120 mile bike/11 mile run I did just one week ago. I faded down to just below 8 min miles towards the end but knew I had a big run pr under me. Just when I was preparing myself mentally for the last mile, I realized I was actually turning for the finish which was partly a relief and partly a huge bummer. The run was only about 12.2 miles. After averaging 7:36 pace I would have finally broken the 1:40 barrier in a half, but instead I ran 1:32:48 for 12.2 miles. Oh well, I know the pr was in there! I couldn't believe my eyes seeing 4:35:30 at the finish line but I know in my heart that still would have been below sub 4:45 if it had been 13.1. My pr is 4:49 so it was a good day even on tired legs. Second overall wasn't too shabby either.

Neil taking my pic at the finish

All in all I had a GREAT day considering my fatigue level and all signs continue to be positive and on track for St. George! 7 weeks to go!!!!!!!

Super thankful to my husband Neil for always supporting my craziness and keeping racing fun, to Shanna and her friend Justin for being amazing support/photographers/hosts this weekend and as always to Dirk for being the best coach ever!!

monday laugh so I don't cry

2011-03-14T20:36:00.002-04:00

I was in major need of a laugh this afternoon after a rough monday. My monday night "optional" run fell on the side of opting not to run and sit on the couch. After 120 miles in the saddle and an 11 mile t-run yesterday, I was ok with just a recovery swim today.

You know when you are super tired how the most stupid things make you smile and laugh? I actually got to catch a Simpson's episode and this line from Homer has been cracking me up all night:

"I'm a rage-aholic! I'm addicted to rage-ahol!"

I must be way overtired. I can't stop laughing. Guess you had to be there haha....

Gate River Run!

2011-03-12T13:57:00.005-05:00

The best running club on the planet (ancient city road runners) pre-caravan to jax

ACRR has a lot of funny traditions. One is the penguin that guards our party section. I love it.

"Real runners only" as a little slap in the face to jax's two big running clubs that aren't nearly as cool as ours :) We have lots of pride :)

Today was my 6th consecutive gate river run 15k. This is my favorite race in Jacksonville and has really been a gauge of my running progress as I have PR'ed every single year.... until this one.

BUT.... Its not a bad thing. I was :45 seconds off my pr and went a 1:02:10 on a tough course which includes 2 bridges, one of which is large and falls in the last mile.

My super ultimate "some day" goal at this race is to break an hour and I had a good pacer to bring me to it today. My smoking fast friend Dave happened to be running this as a tempo run in preparation for his marathon in Atlanta next weekend and his tempo pace would have brought us in right on target for my "A" goal.

Dave, Brent and I before the race. Wanted one last picture with them before they dragged me through some pain. Dave dropped me at the 10k while on his tempo run for his marathon next week and Brent hung in there and edged me out at the finish line on little training post injury. Best training partners anyone could ask for!

We lined up at the start and there was an emotional moment of silence for Sally Meyerhoff . It was a little hard to hold back tears from the announcers eulogy for her. It was an amazing way to honor such an incredible athlete and a stark reminder of how fragile life is.

I kind of knew deep down that today wouldn't be the day to break an hour but I was going to go for it anyhow. Physically I felt great. Legs and stomach good, nice steady pace, pushing harder than I would have chosen but that's what needs to be done in a race. Dave was an awesome pacer grabbing water for me and helping me keep my head in the game. He sensed I was struggling in my head as I was quieter than normal and telling him to go on without me starting around mile 4-5. He was right. Deep down in my head I didn't have the push I needed to keep pace and I begged him to go ahead but he stuck with me through the 10k and pushed me. We went through the 5k around 19:50 and the 10k at 40:44. I just knew I needed to back off for a bit and if I did, I just might get a second wind. I dialed it back for a half mile and the life started coming back into me and I felt super strong the remainder of the race. It was painful to be sure, but my legs were fine. I had a girl pass me at the end and I kind of ran out of fight, I just wanted to be done.

My 5k splits were 19:50, 20:44 and 21:26 which, looking back, was a pretty solid effort especially considering the big bridge climb on the last 5k.

At the finish, I wanted to beat myself up for breaking my PR streak but I quickly realized that today was a solid day. My legs don't even feel like I raced at all and with 8 weeks left until St. George, my training has certainly not been geared towards a 15k. Today gave me a huge confidence boost for my Ironman fitness. I feel like I'm getting off easy not having to do any other workout today but tomorrow is a beast so I will take advantage of some well earned nap time!

When I looked back at my average heart rate for the race it was 187. Guess that's why there was no more push, I raced to the max! Just how I like it. My other realization about this race is that I have now progressed to the point where to PR (and break an hour) I will have to do more specific 15k training. I think I've reached a plateau point where tri training alone may have brought me as far as its going to at this distance right now. But there's always next year :)

Next weekend tri season finally begins with a little 70.3 in south florida. I'm so ready to put all this work to the test on the swim bike AND run!!!!

why

2011-03-05T19:13:00.009-05:00

When heavy training volume comes along I get the question alot. From myself and from others who hear how much I am training.

Why?

I've found that at times when I can't answer that, I'm often unfulfilled by my training and racing and I enjoy triathlon a lot less.

Over the last year, I've realized that the answer to that question has evolved and changed. At first I thought it was a bad thing; a sign that it was time for me to stop racing/training and move on with my life. But since starting training for St. George, I've realized that the evolution of my "why" has been a positive thing.

When I was younger, sports defined me. It gave me a framework to grow out from in order to figure out who I was as a person. It also helped me to deal with a lot of intense emotional struggles; by beating myself up physically, it soothed a lot of intense emotions and anger that I dealt with from childhood issues. I needed sports as an outlet to deal with myself. If I was unable to train or workout, I found myself unable to deal with my emotions.

In the last year or two however, I've found that I don't need sports to define me and although I enjoy training and racing as an emotional outlet, I no longer NEED that outlet to survive and deal with life in a healthy way.

So why was I still pursuing it? This thought scared me. But the fact that my athletic endeavors have evolved to a new meaning and purpose in my life has been a positive transformation and growth experience.

My new why's:

1. Self actualization. Everyone needs to discover their potential. Some people do that through their career, music or other hobbies. For me, its through triathlon more than any other facet of my life (excluding my marriage). I am fascinated with pushing my limits to discover my potential. I'm enamored with the process of reaching a once unattainable goal only to set the bar even higher for the next challenge or next season. Every time I achieve another goal, I surprise myself and that brings me great joy and pushes me to see what else can be achieved.

2. Training and racing is my meditation. I've never been good at sitting still. When my body is in constant motion and in the zone of a workout, my mind is free. My creative juices are at their finest. Blogs are written, life realizations elucidated and the world unfolds around me. Training brings me joy.

3. I love to connect with nature. Getting lost in the beauty of a long run or ride (especially in a new place) gets me outside for the majority of my free time and I can't live without the fresh air and time to appreciate the beauty of the world around me.

4. My body and mind function at their best when I'm fit.

5. I need short term goals to reframe life. The thought of the endless cycle of go to work, come home with no goals on the horizon freaks me out. Dividing up my monthly and yearly schedule by races and training cycles helps me to not see everyday work life as a hopelessly endless cycle.

6. I'm not done finding out how far I can go.

7. Someday I will race Kona. Once. That is THE goal and its something I've dreamed about since I was a little girl. I'm not ready to set that goal aside.

8. Being involved in running and triathlon is my social life. Which means that I'm surrounded by amazing and inspiring friends who are also fulfilling their own athletic journey and goals. I have some truly incredible friends who make training and racing so much fun.

9. I've overcome a lot in my life and pushing myself to the next level is a constant reaffirmation of how far I've come.

10. Pushing myself to the limit fulfills the most primal human instinct within me and without discovering my physical limits regularly, I am not fully alive and present in my life.

11. Nothing feels as good as crossing the finish line of a race you've trained your heart out for.

Life has been crazy the past two weeks so here's a quick synopsis in pictures.

We headed to Clermont last weekend to ride some hills, celebrate kellie's 40th and race Disney's princess 13.1. JC dragged my ass up and down the rollers for 75 miles last saturday and then destroyed me on a t-run. While we were out there we ran into these guys:

(pic from cyclingnewsfeed)

They egged us on to join them and we thought it was a local team until we realized we were talking to young guys from Italy, Australia..... Kenda Gear Grinders are apparently a pro team. I wanted to take a pic but was too scared to take my hands off my bike. Cool!

We went out for pre-race dinner and had some beers and celebrated our favorite midget's 40th birthday (and wished her good luck for her upcoming 100k in New Zealand!!!):

And got very little sleep before the girls headed out to race the princess half marathon dressed in the part:

I headed back to the hills to get another 85 miles of riding in while the girls were kicking butt and JC was busy winning the whole damn race:

Complete with reporters getting in her face while she was about to puke. She ran a 1:22 after hammering me on the hills and doing a 45 min t-run. She is psycho :)

After recovering from that craziness, Wednesday night Dirk came and gave a talk at the Trek store right before leaving for Abu Dhabi. Go kick some ass Dirk!!! Make us proud!! They also officially unveiled our Jax 110% Elite Team which I'm so proud to be a part of this season:

Dirk in the middle with our team sponsors and below is the team with sponsors!

It's going to be a fun 2011!!!!!

JC and I at the elite team launch!

It was a good day

2011-02-20T17:06:00.009-05:00

The Crew: Dave, Todd, Dirk, Mike

Todd and Dirk just before the tempo on the home stretch

Today's ride was 4 easy hours with 50 minute run off the bike (easy). I've been riding with the guys a lot and it has been so much more fun on long rides to have company. Sometimes I wonder if not spending enough time against the wind solo may be hurting me but having enjoyable company has kept me mentally fresh through the longer training days. Besides, I'm hitting the heart rates Coach Dirk wants me at so I figure that its not a big deal drafting if the training effect is the same.

The ride started out beautifully. We had a rare true tailwind and the most gorgeous day you could imagine. Mid 70's, brilliant sunshine and the smells and sounds of spring in Florida all around us. We were easy cruising and just soaking up the day. 60ish miles into the ride, Dirk (Bockel, not coach Dirk) and Todd tell me that oh yea, the last 45 minutes are tempo for Dirk. Crap. I've heard stories of Dirk's tempo rides and I know how hard he can hammer it. Dirk encouraged me telling me that I would be fine, just tuck in and its just a cruise on the home stretch. We were all praying for a headwind (well, everyone except Dirk) since if we had a tailwind, we'd have to match Dirk's power output (nearly impossible). For the first time in my life I was relieved to have a headwind on the way home.

I started taking some pics, planning on documenting getting dropped hard by someone of Dirk's caliber. I already had the blog written in my head of Dirk getting farther and farther away as I struggled behind them. I could feel the nervous energy building as red bulls were popped and gels were getting taken down all around me.

We set off in a paceline behind Dirk and somehow, I actually stayed on. I was in complete disbelief. We were flying but it felt like a nice tempo effort for me and my heart rate wasn't crazy, my legs weren't killing me.... I was staying on! The entire way! This wasn't exactly part of my workout (um.... hope you don't read my blog coach Dirk :) ) but I couldn't say no to the challenge of hanging with these guys and it was such a confidence booster. The look on their faces when they realized I was still there towards the end of the tempo was priceless. I'm so grateful for their encouragement and belief in me, even when I wasn't so sure of myself today.

I realized today how far along my biking has come. Two years ago, doing a tempo effort from mile 75 to mile 92 of a long ride would have been laughable, much less hanging on to the wheel of a top male pro at his tempo pace for 45 minutes. I would have blown up, bonked, gotten dropped and been in a major hurting place. But today was amazing. I got off the bike with nice fresh legs for my run and felt like I could have rode another 100 miles. Sweet. I got in 92 miles in 4:15, super fast!! And my average heart rate was still right at 70% which is where Coach wanted it.

I love how a great day of training stokes the passion for the sport. I'm so excited about my fitness right now and I'm so ready to attack these next 11 weeks of training which I know are going to be tough but I'm SO ready :)